爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 10 ]

To love is to suffer.

To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

------------

It has been weeks since that incident. Joanne never contacted me again.

" Argh !!!! Why must it happen again ??? It first happen to Juliet & now Joanne .... "

I shouted at the top of my voice.

" Why ? Why ? Why must we have love .... since its existence is just to let people suffer ... "

I broke out in tears.

------------

" Because ,

To love is to suffer.

To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

I hope you're getting this down. "

Juliet muttered.

" It seems contradicting .. I seem to get it & yet don't get it ... Argh !! why must it be so complicating ??? " Joanne said in a fustrating tone.

It has been weeks since Joanne fell out of love. All along she has been mentioning to me about this particular guy that she was interested in. Since the day I knew Joanne, this guy often appeared in our conversation. Its quite an irony given the fact that through this 4 years with Joanne, I've still no idea who is this guy, whats the guy name, etc. I conclude Joanne was deeply infatuated with this guy from the start. Weeks ago, Joanne came to me in tears, claiming that she fell out of love. She was rejected after showing hints to this guy. Since then, she has been restless & lethargic till now.

" my dear .. from the start, it was never going to be easy ... but fret not for its not the end of world isn't it .. " I gave Joanne a hug.

Joanne broke out in tears again.

" you're still the best to me .. Juliet .. "

I gave Joanne my trademark smile.

" Of course ... you're my bestie for the past 4 years .. uh-urh.. Remember my heart only got you & your heart only got me ..the 284 & 220 story ? tee-hee " I winked at Joanne.

" aww how gross .. that was meant for a couple .. " Joanne jokingly said.

" yea .. you're gonna be my lesbian partner for the rest of your years .. hahahaha bleah .. "

" hahaha .. thanks my lesbian partner .. I felt much better le .. " Joanne gave me a hug.

" okok we better stop this hug before people might really think we are lesbians ... hahah " I told Joanne.

" yes my bestie ... muacks .. " Joanne gave me a flying kiss.

" awww so sweet ... " I playfully catch her kiss in midair, & place it upon my chest.

-------------------

" you're back home finally .. you should stop staying over at your grandma house .. its so old & tattered . " Mum said in a huaghty tone.

" whats the point of living in a maisonette without any warmth in it " I thought to myself.

I just walked back into my room without even replying my mum. I've been living in this cold "palace" ever since my dad departed from this world. Ever since I grew up as an infant, my memory only consist of my dad giving me endless love, bringing me up with his unrequited love & support. My mum was a career minded person, since young, I never get to see her often. She was often away for business trips, & even her presence brought fear to me, as she always carries a cold aura around her. She was renowned for her selfish, cruel, harsh acts in the business world, thus my image of her has never been angelic.

I still remembered at a point of time, I became autistic due to the fact my school mates often teased me about my dad bringing me to school. All the others have their mums clenching their son/daughters hands tightly, whereas this scene never happened to me at all. Despite dad was always around for me, I never learn to appreciate this fact at that point of time only until now. I was always trying ways & means not to let others see my face. I even came up with a stupid idea of wearing a yellow raincoat to school despite rain or shine. As an autistic young child, I felt so helpless back then. I can only cooped up myself in corners, hoping not to attract attention from others.

My phobia towards humans slowly grew. But my dad never gave up on me. He brought me to stay with grandma. Only from that point of time, I slowly learned to open up myself to others. That period of time was the sweetest memory I have, despite living in a small compartment, I can find endless love & warmth in it. Everyday there will be endless laughters & fun within the compartment. Despite I have opened up myself, i still got this fear towards other people. My grandma & dad slowly encourage me to interact & even later propose the idea of switching school, so as to let me interact more with kids around my age.

The switching of school was nevertheless the best part of my school life. For once, i was excited to go school & learn, & played with kids around my age. Somehow at a later part, it also turned out to be the saddest part of my school life.

-------------------

" Beep Beep " my handphone signalled a incoming sms interrupting my thoughts.

[ hey Juliet .. free on sunday ? ]

I take a look & deleted it away.

Through this years, I've endless suitors but I've show no interest in any of them. Deep in my heart, I have not forgotten him all this while. The last I've seen him was in a newspaper cutting. " The TOP PSLE STUDENT OF THE YEAR " . That particular year, there were 2 top students with the same score. One was him, & the other was actually me. There was no reports of me after I have decline to have any reports on me. At that moment when i spotted him on newspaper, I was really shocked. I kept wondering could it possibly be him ? Fate seems to intertwine between both of us since the day we first met & even till after I left him. But my strong willed power told me since I've made a decision in leaving him, I've to go against fate, & never ever look back. It has been 4 years, & finally somehow I've won against fate.

" Yawnzzz .. why did i suddenly think of him again ? tsk ... "

I guess I'm having too much thoughts tonight, I covered my face in pillow screaming

" Juliet .. Its all over ... get to sleep !!!! "

----------

There are many different types of love in this world, thus there are many different ways of expressing love. What revolves around that love, and the many different circumstances, trials, and tribulations that a love might face can greatly influence the outcomes of that love. These trials and tribulations can also be seen as different literary elements when used in plays. When looking at Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, he used many different themes and elements to provide complexity to the love story. Shakespeare cleverly takes the main theme of the play, love, and ties in other elements such as time, stage imagery, and language to pull the whole play together in a way that makes one think about the play on other levels.

A love that must revolve around time and is not allowed to take a.....

" Juliet .... " Joanne suddenly screamed at me from behind before i could continue on with my essay ...

" Gosh .. can you stop scaring me ? tsk .. I'm in the midst of my Romeo & Juliet ... hurhur " I sounded in an fustrating tone

" Sorry luhs .. dear .. " Joanne sounded in a regretful manner

" tee-hee thou shall be forgive !! " I replied

" Ugh ! stop talking in classic english .. it somehow just remind me of him , you know something .. you both really love literature alot .. always seem to see you both busk in Romeo & Juliet .. ar .. tsk tsk "

" come on .. it just happens to be a subject that we gotta take for o levels .. don't take it to heart okays ... don't even link me to him ar .. tsk "

" yaya whatever ... bleah ... hmmm can i ask you something ? "

" suries my dear .. " I replied.

" Do you think that i should still keep in contact with him ? He seems worried about me .. ever since that incident . He has sent me hundreds of sms through the weeks, but i never replied any at all .. "

" Hmmm ... well from the start, you both didn't even started .. & being able to muster up his courage to tell you the truth ... this guy ain't too bad " I laughed

" Or-orh ... don't tell me you're interested in him .. so protective of him .. hurhur .. " Joanne jokingly said.

" No way !!! I'm not interested in a raffles nerd ... hahaha "

" oeii .. so you're saying I like a nerd lor ... booo "

" hahahaha ... okok enough of jokes .. but seriously speaking you should ask yourself .. are you still able to see him as a good friend & not as someone you like ? "

" hmmm .. to ask me to just simply forget a guy that I'm secretly in love for the past 4 years ... is not an easy feat .. "

" haha ...to be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia." I said

" yea i suppose so ... ugh .. I'm so confused right now. "

" if i were you, perhaps i sent a sms telling him that you're alright ? at least assure him that you're still alive .. tee-hee "

" uh - uh ~ "

" As for what happens at a later stage ... wait till after O levels ba !!! its time to mug .... we are just weeks away from O levels !!!!! "

" awww .. spoiler ... don't even remind me of it ... tsk tsk "

[ to be cont .. ]

Journeys end in lovers meeting

william shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 9 ]

This quote doesn't really need much explanation since it describes what Men and Women want when it comes to love.

For Men, let's admit it, our first instinct when looking for our first girlfriend is for us to be her first. We want that girl or woman to be pure and virgin and for some, tend to get possessive and not let go of her which can be attributed to a man's primal instinct of being territorial not only for territory, but also for his mate. The feeling of being the first one into a woman's life is always special just like owning and riding a brand new car.

Women, on the other hand, are more sensitive and subtle towards love and romance. Most, if not all, are more patient and don't mind being the first, second, third, or so on, for their partners, as long as they are the last love of their partner's life, pertaining to the quote“til death do us part.”

“You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.”

--------------

" Reagan, hurry up ! you're gonna be late on your 1st day of school .. " Ah Pa shouted

" Alrights ... " I replied

I gave myself one last look at the mirror before heading out. I'm not trying to be vain, neither am I vain. Afterall it was my first day of secondary school life, & to be studying in the prestigious Raffles require me to uphold the school's pride by dressing up smartly. Afterall, a prestigious school's uniform is sure to attract attention when you took a bus or train to school. Therefore I made sure I don't embarrass myself by wearing a tardy & crumpled uniform. The first impression upon people determines a battle to be won or not.

" Gosh .. you're finally done .. & you look good on your 1st day !! go electrify all the aunties on trains !!! hahaha "

" Come on .. Ah Pa .. enough of jokes okays ... I'm getting the jitters, I've no idea what secondary life is going to be like .. "

" Relax son .. just enjoy it & do your best okays .. "

I gave a nod, before heading out of house.

" Phew .. Just in the nick of time to catch this train, or else I gonna be real late ... " I mumble to myself.

I manage to find a corner seat, & settled down. I missed the primary school days whereby I could sleep in late, as i just only need to take a bus trip worth of 5minutes & now I need to travel a train journey worth 40minutes in order to get to school.

" Sighs ... " I shut my eyes hoping to get some precious sleep time

Soon, I heard a bunch of giggles sound coming directly opposite from me. I have my eyes opened, to find a bunch of school girls standing opposite me, staring towards my direction, giggling at me. The first reaction that came upon my mind ..

" Ar .. they must have noticed that I'm from Raffles, so I'm grabbing their attention .. " I thought to myself

Soon, I noticed people around my vicinity whispering, staring at my direction, giggling at me. I thought to myself,

" wow this uniform sure does wonders, I seem to be in the centre of attraction now, I guess being able to study in Raffles sure is cool "

Just when I'm busking in all this unneccessary attention, suddenly a shout emerged beside me.

" Ug .. H . !!! pervert !! " shouted a school girl.

My immediate response came,

" where ? ! ? "

I looked around, only to notice that I'm the only one sitting beside this school girl. I gave myself a look, to find that my pants was unzipped.

" Gosh .. " my face turned red at that moment.

I zipped up my pants, & hide my face behind the bag. The school girl beside me was sorta shocked too & hide her face behind the bag as people around us started to laugh at this incident. Within seconds. the train stopped, I immediately took my bag & rushed out of the train to save myself from the embarrassment.

" Goodness gracious ... it was the most embarrasing thing that could have happen " I thought to myself.

Meanwhile, I try to waive off this embarrasing incident off my mind, & try to divert attention on my handphone. I unlocked the keypad & went stun for a moment.

"This wallpaper .. the school girl from the incident earlier on ... " I stuttered.

I must have taken the wrong phone in that panicky situation ealier on, & so co-incidentally we both were holding the same exact model & colour of handphone.

--------------

Break time came, & I decided to muster up my courage to use her phone to call mine. It wasn't long before someone respond.

" Hi You're ??? " came the response

" Erm... I think you took my phone by mistake earlier on & now I'm holding on to your phone ... "

" Huh ? you're joking ? this model & colour I'm holding on .. hey . wait a second ... "

There was a long pause before she respond again ...

" How come you got my handphone ??? " she responded in a panicky voice.

" Erm .. I thought i told you earlier on, somehow there was a switch of handphones between us, "

" ya .. but how did we switch ? ugh .. never mind .. can we meet to get back my phone ? "

" ya thats my plan too .. "

" ok .. 6pm at bishan mrt ... we shall meet then .. byes "

--------

I arrived early. Thinking back of the morning train incident, & how we both swtched our phones & now meeting each other again. I sense that the situation is going to be real awkward later on. From the conversation earlier on today, she seem to have not noticed that the guy holding on to her phone now is the "pervert" she shouted this morning.

" Sighs .. what a day man .. this is getting so crazy " I told myself

Her phone meloday rang. I answered

" erm .. hi .. I've arrived at the station already, I'm wearing Raffles school uniform .. "

" raffles uniform ? "

" ya "

Then came the long pause before she reacted.

" you're that pervert !!! " A sound came from behind.

I turned around.

It was her.

We both went speechless with the phone still in our hands. It wasn't a moment of silence before she started laughing, & somehow i was influenced by this atmosphere to find how silly this incident was, & i started laughing with her too.

" Hey I'm sorry .. this morning shouldn't have shouted "pervert" at you .. i was too tired, & dozed off, so I didn't quite know what was happening until i woke up to find that your pants were unzipped & my instant reaction was i encountered some pervert .. hehehe sorry .. my friends have explained the whole situation to me "

" Nah .. not exactly ya fault ... Here is your phone .. " I smiled handing the phone to her.

" hehe .. & here's yours ... nice phone we are using ar ... " she smiled back ..

" ta-haa yea .. o I'm Reagan by the way "

"Joanne " she responded with a smile.

---------------

& that was how it all started between me & Joanne. Our unique encounter into becoming friends. I'm asking her out today to clear the misunderstandings that shouldn't have started in the first place. I decided to heed my dad advise, to tell the truth to Joanne.

" Oeii .. waited for a long time ? " Joanne gave me a pat from behind.

" Uh-uh ~ "

" you seem to be in deep thoughts wor ? "

" Hmm .. yea i was thinking about how we first met .. "

" Aww .. "pervert" incident ... hahaha " Joanne laughed

" Haha .. yea .. time really flies .. it has been 4 years since that incident, dating back we were only sec 1 back then & now we are actually progressing to JC soon .. "

" ta-haa indeed ... time really flies & we are closer than before .. isn't it .. " Joanne smiled.

" yea ... Joanne .. friendship is like a violin; the music may stop now and then, but the strings will last forever, just like how i wish both our friendship can last forever.. "

Joanne was speechless. I continued on..

" Every time you cross my mind, I think how lucky I've been, to have you as my special friend all this while. We study together, shared our secrets with each other, its a bond which i wouldn't give up for anything else in this world. I wish to make clear to you that maybe recently my actions & words has affected your feelings towards me, causing some misunderstanding, somehow it shouldn't be happening in this manner, at least not in the manner between this special friendship we holds, so i truely apologise for any misthoughts I've given you during this time, & hope we can continue to maintain this friendship bond."

I could see tears welding up on Joanne's eyes.

" of course .. silly boy ... we shall & we will continue to maintain this friendship between us, we each take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other, everywhere. okays ? " Joanne replied

I nodded.

" As for those misunderstandings .... "

Joanne interrupted me before i could continue on ...

" No .. Reagan .. its okays .. no need to clarify it .. its no longer important ... hey i just remembered i got some project work to do & need to go off ... i see you ard okays ... " Joanne ran away in tears.

At that instant, I felt guilty. I knew it was coming but I just couldn't bear the sight of this scenario. It sort of remind me the day when Juliet took off from the classroom & never returned. I was thinking will Joanne ever return ?

The truth hurts, but somehow the love hurts more. I recalled back Juliet mentioning having love phobia ..

Have I created a love phobia in Joanne ? Her first love experience seems totally destroyed by me ...

[ to be cont .. ]

Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps

william shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 8 ]

“Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off.

It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time.”

-----------------------

Joanne words has caused me to wonder,

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

back then my relationship with Juliet was love ? why am i so eager to see her once again ? was it because she might be that little girl wearing the bright yellow rain coat back then or was it because of my desire to see her once again ?

Thoughts just ran wild through my mind.

A sound coming from my labtop broke the silence. Joanne nudge me on msn.

[ -.-''' so free ar ? not muggin .. still got free time to nudge me ? ] I typed out.

[ don't make me sound like those study nerd ! I got a life too okays ]

[ yea .. so wassup ? still not going to dreamland ? ]

[ nothing much, just chatting with friends, surfing the net, browsing through my msn contact list & so happen to see your name .. so just disturb you lor .. tee-hee ]

[ -.-''' so I'm so random ar ? tsk tsk ]

[ hee no luhs .. in fact i was thinking upon what you said today ]

[ huh ? what did i say today ? ]

[ o.0 seriously u forgotten ? STM (short term memory) seh !!! ]

[ yea my bad .. so what did i say today ? ]

[ humpf ... "so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... " remember ? ? ? ]

i paused for a moment. That sentence wasn't meant for Joanne. It was meant for Juliet. I must be somehow mumbling to myself at that moment, & Joanne took it for real.

[ well .. i was thinking about what you say & amazed upon the fact that both of us have some fate thingy going on ... ] Joanne typed

[ erm ... ]

I hesistated, wondering should i explain the whole situation to Joanne. Somehow she seem to have misunderstood, but yet I'm fearful of hurting her in the process.

[ ? ? ? ] Joanne came with the immediate response.

I seem to have lost myself , not knowing what to reply. I stared blankly at the screen.

[ yea ... fate works in a magical way, matching the both of us tgt ... don't you agree ? ]

I was shocked to see that appearing on the screen. Ben has came into the room unnoticed & type on my behalf sending it out to Joanne.

"Ben .. what the hell are you doing ? " I shouted at him.

"Woo .. take it easy man .. I'm helping my cute little brother here to chase a girl .. " ben replied

"gosh ~ you put me into deep shit now !! "

I somehow have sunk deeper into this misunderstanding now.

"come on relax man .. chill .. you are already in sec 4 .. & yet no GF at all .. I'm starting to think you might not like girls .. but well you just prove me wrong .. hahah "

[ how you expect me to reply ... put it so bluntly ar .. hurhur *shys* well gtg ..cya ard ] Joanne came back with the reply.

"Woo .. shy girl .. good work reagan .. inherit my genes afterall ... hahaha"

I simply just ignore what ben said, & Joanne reply. I just stick my head under the pillow, trying to imagine all these are just hallucinations, ain't true at all.

-------------

I woke up the next morning in a confused state of mind. I was wondering did yesterday incident happened at all. I turned to my labtop, seeing Joanne signed off message, then i came to realise that it ain't a dream afterall, everything did happened. I thought i could just deceive myself by going into a deep slumber but it was a futile attempt.

"Ugh .. i shan't think too much .. maybe its not as bad as it may looks " I mumble to myself before dragging myself out from bed for wash-up.

The morning breeze blow gently across my face as I strolled along the fateful route again, the bus-stop to take bus 284. It has been years since i took this route. After I have graduated from my primary school, & a new bus service that was introduced to the neighbourhood making it more convinient for me, I've somehow forsake this route. Somehow as i grew up, memories of my mum slowly fade away from me. I no longer reminisce much about her. Perhaps it has been due to the fact that my dad was more concerned about me for the past years, he no longer went back to his drinking days ever since my dengue incident.

Today, my intuition just triggers me in taking this route again. Perhaps its due to what Joanne shared with me, the 220 & 284 numbers. Somehow it just struck me that this route still exists, all the childhood memories between me & this route, & most importantly the story between me & Juliet.

Perhaps, my intuition was telling me that I might meet her again, after all these years.

I finally arrived at the bus stop. I came to realise nothing much has changed after all this years. The same old bus-stop structure, with its paint slowly peeled off, the rust can be clearly seen. Somehow its not as packed as it used to be after the new bus service was introduced.

Soon, bus 284 came, & i boarded. It was empty. I went to the seat that me & Juliet often sat back then. It was situated at the rear end of the bus, we named it the R & J corner back then. I sat down, reminiscing back the days with Juliet back then. I still remember vividly what she once said,

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

I slowly retract back my thoughts into why she said that, & then suddenly remembered about that book that wouldn't open.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

It has been with me all along this while. We took it out from the library without returning it. I have forgotten about its existence all this while. At that instant, I was like trying to remember which corner of the room I've put it in. Then the bus suddenly came to a break, interrupting my thoughts.

I stared out of the window, seeing it was a bus-stop. I guess the bus driver didn't expect someone to be there & just continue to move on untill he came in sight with someone, & suddenly came to a halt.

Someone boarded the bus.

I focus my sight upon the figure walking slowly towards my direction.

It was JOANNE. I went blank for a moment before coming back to reality.

" er .. how come you're here ? " I asked

" stalking you lor ... tee-hee .. " Joanne replied

All this seems so familiar, its just like a reenactment of what happen with Juliet back then, just in a different scenario.

" Huh ? come on .. stop joking .. you don't live around this area "

" hahahaha .. yaya .. i came to find my friend who lives around here luhs .. bleah .. "

" O ... " I went speechless after acknowledging her. Somehow it seems so akward carrying on a conversation with her after thinking back what happen last night.

I was struggling to tell her the truth, what really happen last night yet my mind just holds me back in fear of hurting her.

" yea ... she was also the one who told me about the 220 & 284 numbers .. one of my bestie at school " Joanne smiled.

"She must be dropping some hints mentioning about the pair of number again " I thought to myself

" Hey .. ain't it a coincidence ? we both taking bus 284 now ... " Joanne said.

" yea .. I used to take this bus alot .. during my primary school days ... haven't took it for recent years " I replied her not in a right state of mind.

" uh-uh ~ for recent years haven't been taking it, & today you just have the urge to take it, & we both just met ... haha " Joanne laughed.

" gosh .. I somehow have just given her the idea that we both got fate ... " I thought to myself.

This is getting so crazy. I just don't know how to react now. Just at that moment, the bus turned into the intechange & stopped. I heave a sigh of relief, knowing that this was my best chance to get out of this situation. I quickly grab my bag & quicken my footsteps.

" Hey .. Joanne .. got something urgent .. got to rush .. i see ya around .. take care "

I ran out of the bus, not even waiting for her reply.

---------------

The rest of the day, my mind just couldn't concencrate on whatever things I do. I was in a dazed state, wondering how could ever such things be happening to me.

I sat down at the living-room staring at the space blankly.

" Taking a break from study ? " Dad came out from his room asking.

" Huh ? ooo ~ yea .. " I replied back snapping out from my thoughts.

" So hows school getting on ? stress ? "

" Not too bad .. still manageable .. gathering my last burst of energy towards O lvls "

Dad nods.

" Don't stress yourself too much, I know you are up to the task, just face it with a calm heart .. & do your best "

" yea .. Pa no worries .. " I smiled back.

Before dad went back into his room, I suddenly voiced at him,

" Pa .. you got time for some chit-chat ? "

" Always for my son ... " Dad smiled at me.

" So what you wanna talk about ? having some problems ? " Dad started off.

I slowly explained the whole story between me & Joanne to him.

" Hmmm .. so my son has grown up, getting into a relationship problem ar .. haa "

" Come on .. gimme a break .. its not even a relationship in the first place .. its like so absurd. I've known Joanne for so long. All long it was maintained as a good friendship between both of us, studying together, sharing to each other & now because of some misunderstanding, all things got to change. I really hope to just maintain a platonic relationship with her .. you know "

At that moment of time, I recalled back my relationship with Juliet back then. I just don' want history to repeat itself again, hurting the other party, & ending up losing a good friend.

" Reagan .. a good friendship between a guy & girl is more complex than you can think of. Its not that kinda buddy relationship with your guy friend. Every little actions will be taken into count, because girls are more sensitive to feelings, actions done by you. Sometimes they may even be confused upon the fact whether are you interested in her & stuff, & this can lead to many unneccessary misunderstandings. But well since you're clear about it, then its only fair for her to know about it too, considering you both are good friends isn't it .. "

I nod in agreement.

" Find a time to have a good talk with her, but be tactful about it, its not in our family tradition for a guy to hurt a girl's feelings okays .. "

Dad patting on my shoulder.

Dad's words somehow calm my mind a bit, & it was only right for Joanne to know the truth too. Though I know it mights hurts abit, but it was neccessary to avoid further & deeper hurts in future.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind

william shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 7 ]

When you have nothing left but love, then

for the first time you become aware that love is enough.

---------------------

A month has passed since then. I never heard any news of Juliet again. Life went back to the monotonous pace.

Between tragedy and comedy the transition is often but slightly marked. Thus Romeo and Juliet differs but little from most of Shakespeare's comedies in its ingredients and treatment--it is simply the direction of the whole that gives it the stamp of tragedy. Romeo and Juliet is a picture of love and its pitiable fate in a world whose atmosphere is too sharp for this, the tenderest blossom of human life. Two beings created for each other feel mutual love at the first glance; every consideration disappears before the irresistable impulse to live for one another; under circumstances hostile in the highest degree to their union, they unite themselves by a secret marriage, relying simply on the protection of an invisible power. Untoward incidents following in rapid succession, their heroic constancy is within a few days put to the proof, till, forcibly separated from each other, by a voluntary death they are united in the grave to meet again in another world.

All this is to be found in the beautiful story which was told long before Shakespeare's day, and which, however simply told, will always excite a tender sympathy; but it was reserved for Shakespeare to join in one ideal picture purity of heart with warmth of imagination; sweetness and dignity of manners with passionate intensity of feeling. Under his handling, it has become a glorious song of praise on that inexpressible feeling which ennobles the soul and gives to it its highest sublimity, and which elevates even the senses into soul, while at the same time it is a melancholy elegy on its inherent and imparted frailty; it is at once the apotheosis and the obsequies of love. It appears here a heavenly spark that, as it descends to earth, is converted into the lightning flash, which almost in the same moment sets on fire and consumes the mortal being on whom it lights. All that is most intoxicating in the odor of a southern spring, all that is languishing in the song of the nightingale or voluptuous in the first opening of the rose, all alike breathe forth from this poem. But even more rapidly than the earliest blossoms of youth and beauty decay does it, from the first timidly bold declaration and modest return of love, hurry on to unlimited passion, to an irrevocable union; and then hasten, amid alternating storms of rapture and despair, to the fate of the two lovers, who yet appear enviable in their hard lot, for their love survives them, and by their death they have obtained an endless triumph over every separating power. The sweetest and the bitterest love and hatred, festive rejoicings and dark forebodings, tender embraces and sepulchral horrors, the fullness of life and self-annihilation, are here all brought close to each other; and yet these contrasts are so blended into a unity of impression, that the echo which the whole leaves in the mind resembles a single but endless sigh.

As i wrote the last sentence on this piece of essay, I paused thinking.

"How ironic given the fact that i used to think that Romeo & Juliet has a happy ending to it, yet only till now that i found out it has a sad ending to it."

All the classic english that i used to not understand seems to reveal itself in front of me now. I can imagine myself living in shakespeare's era & excel in their command of language, indulging myself in their era of romance, the simplicity & yet complex mindset towards love.

All this years, no doubt I've not experienced love before, but I've seen many that went through it, busking in the sweetness of love, & yet suffering in the bitterness of love. I often wondered is it really worth pouring all your emotions towards love, thinking back the relationship i've with Juliet back then, was it really considered love?

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"Oeii .. Mr shakespeare .. " someone suddenly snapped my thoughts.

"Joanne .. stop sneaking up on me "

Somehow it just reminds me of the days when Juliet often sneaked up on me.

"bleah ... tee-hee " Joanne sticking out her tongue.

Joanne is an unique friend of mine. She has been my study partner through this years. We often met up just to study. Though we are of different school, our calibre of academic wise are considered on par. That strengthen my decision to pair up with her to benefit each other in academic results. Through the years, she has not only fufill her requirement as a good study partner, but also as an good listener to me.

"thinking of which girl seh .. so deep in thoughts .. " Joanne teasing me.

"just thinking of someone ..."

"HER ? " Joanne asked

I nod my head.

"Hmmmm .. after all this years, still can't get her off your mind ? " Joanne asked

"I'm just unsure about my relationship with her back then, you know its just so ironic that i was so adamant about my platonic relationship wih her towards my brother back then, & now feeling so unsure of my feeling towards her"

"hmmm .. ever thought before .. perhaps you've read too much shakespeare, causing all this unneccessary thoughts." Joanne replied

"maybe ?"

"you know .. sometimes, its not the things that have changed, but its the humans that have changed isn't it .. tee-hee" Joanne smiled

It was exactly what miss Tan said. Perhaps what both of them said are true. My platonic relationship with Juliet hasn't change, but its just me that have changed.

"Come on .. snap out of love, concentrate on our studies... yea .. O levels is just a few months away from us."

"hey .. its not LOVE .. its just ....."

"yaya not love .. my bad .. lets switch subject okays .. hahaha" Joanne interrupting me before i could complete my sentence.

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I'm meeting Joanne today at the library again. Recently we have been meeting quite often due to the fact that exams are coming. Its quite ironic in a way that Joanne & I only meet during exam periods. Both of us formed a common understanding with one another, whenver exams draw close, we just contact each other to meet up to study. Through this period of time, we not only study together. but also helped each other to de-stress by sharing each of our own secrets & lending that pair of listening ear to one another. Its weird in a way given the fact that we don't contact each other oftenly, & yet can pour our own heart matters to one another. I often think that perhaps its due to the fact that we are not close with one another, thats why we are able to pour to one another, not fearful of leaking out our own problems.

"Sorry .. I'm late .." Joanne ran towards my direction hastily.

"As usual .. kinda used to it .. " I sacrastically replied

"Oeii .. gentleman are suuposed to wait for ladies de ma .. claim you are shakespeare expert & you don't know that .. " Joanne rebuked

"yes .. my fair lady .. thou art wait upon you .. "

"tee-heee ... bleah " Joanne sticking out her tongue

"Hey i just discovered something special today ... " Joanne said

"uh-uh ~ what ? that I'm handsome or cute ? " I jokingly replied

"come on .. knock it off ... let me ask you a question first ... "

"hahaha okay .. " i responded

"whats the relationship between the number 220 & 284 ? "

I was taken aback by her question. It was so familiar, i seem to have heard of it somewhere before.

"ehh ..... "

"stuck le right ? mathematician expert ? " Joanne getting back at me as her results for maths was always lower than me.

"indeed .. i just couldn't find the relationship between this 2 absurd number .. " I thought

"tee-hee .. let me solve it for you ... " Joanne replied

"All the factors of 220 are 1,2,4,5,10,11,20,22,44,55,110 & of course 220. The factors of 284 are 1,2,4,71,142 & 284.

"If i add up the sum of the factors of 220 excluding 220 itself, 1+2+4+5+10+11+20+22+44+55+110 = 284

likewise i add up the sum of the factors of 284 excluding 284 itself, 1+2+4+71+142 = 220

The sum of factors of 220 is 284, the sum of the factors of 284 is 220. The pair is called Amicable numbers. Don't you find it fascinating ? Out of so many numbers, this pair just matches each other. My friend said that this pair of number just signifies," my heart only got you, & your heart only got me ... " so romantic right ? "

I was stunned. I finally remembered the question Juliet phase to me before.

"you know something, my birthday & our bus number 284 has a significant meaning to it .. teehee thats why somehow or rather i love to take bus 284 to school."

"February 20th & bus 284 ?

"February 20th = 220 .. so 220 & 284 matches with one another." I mumbled to myself.

"Huh ? ya both of them matches .. but wait whats with the february 20th ? " Joanne asked.

"o .. nothing luhs .. wow indeed so fascinating " I replied

So thats the relationship of 220 & 284, the mystery that i can't get to solve all this years.

"yea ... I simply loved this pair of number ... my birthday falls on 28th april, making it look like 284, so i'm so mesmerized by this pair of number now."

"you know something .. my birthday faills on 20th february .. making it look like 220 .. " I replied

"serious .. GOSH ... " Joanne shocked with my reply ...

"so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... "

"yea .. maybe " Joanne responded with some shyness.

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I flashed back towards why Juliet pose me this question back then. The relationship between 220 & 284. Both our birthday falls on the same day, 20th February. Our fate with the number 284 bonded both of us together. I was thinking what Joanne said, this pair of number signifies "my heart only got you, & your heart only got me"

Perhaps back then, both me & Juliet really experienced such thoughts before ..

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.

william shakespeare