爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 22 - Finale ]

From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.

And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other,

their streams of light flow together,

and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.

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Have you ever heard of the phrase, “love is blind?” Most people have. This must mean that it is a belief of many. Well, what does it mean when someone says, “love is blind?” If love is blind, one may argue to facilitate the meaning that love is eternal, regardless of one’s faults, their lies, and their affairs; that regardless of any negative outcome that love overlooks it. If love is blind it prevails all evil. However, everyone may not agree that, “love is blind.”

Another common phrase is that, “love hurts.” Why is it that love has acquired this unpleasant metaphor? Self-experience could be an answer to this question. Most people, at some time in their lives, have been hurt by someone that they love. Is this because they have done something wrong or is it simply human instinct? Humans are full of error and often decide it is easier to give up on love than struggle through the hard times. Therefore, does love hurt or do people hurt? Many would say it is people who hurt because they fail to pursue this love that they have claimed.

Many people turn to the dictionary when they are in need of a definition for a particular word. The Webster’s Dictionary defines love as, “an affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interest.” Most would agree that love definitely consists of all of these qualities. When one is looking for a mate, they strive to find someone who is, to some extent, like them. It is desired that this person is someone that can be looked up to, and someone who is kind and compassionate. But there is a love much deeper than this.

Dad used to say, “ love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Many would argue that love is each and every one of these virtues. However, can a human be so perfect as to possess all of these traits? Rarely is someone so perfect, if ever. This is a love referred to as Agape love, a Godly love.

Love is blind; it hurts. Love is an admiration and love is patient and kind. Love is diverse and it is dynamic. Regardless of all of these, and more important than anything, love is what one believes it to be. No common metaphor or dictionary definition can describe what one’s feelings of love are. It is that person alone who has to discover what love truly means.

I paused writing on my diary.

" It is that person alone who has to discover what love truly means. "

I kept my eyes on this last sentence, the only sound around me was the flipping of the fan & my breathing. A row of recollections sneaked its way silently into my mind, memories of how it all begun slowly evolving into how it all ended. I came to realise at how the montagues & capulets took nearly 5 acts to see the agape love between Romeo & Juliet, & to end their family feud. Looking back at myself, how many chapters of love phobia I've went through to finally overcome it & realise that I'm the only one that can discover what it really means & not through some love stories or songs.

" Alright class ... home room period !! " Miss Tan came in abruptly into the classroom interrupting my thoughts.

" First on the list ... I got a news .. Reagan has switched to another class .. meaning he won't be with us in this class anymore .. which explains why you all are not seeing him now .. ar .. "

It came as a thundering news to me. I didn't expected such heart wrenching news to come when I've thought its all over, does it signify the fatum between us is finally gone?

Joanne gave me a bewildered look, before finally raising up her hands to clear everyone doubts.

" Why ? Miss Tan ? " Joanne asked.

" Well .. I think it was due to some internal swap, & the school admin making a mistake with the arrangement from the start, meaning from the start, he wasn't meant to be in this class .. hmm .. well .. a pity I've lose out a good student of mine .. hmm .. but well everyone lets buck up .. !! its ain't over .. & you guys can catch up with him during breaks & after school right .. hee ... alright lets get started !! " Miss Tan replied.

Just when I've so much to asked him, he got to leave me. It seems so ironic, just like back then when he has his doubts, I choose to leave & escape from him. It somehow marks the start of this dreadful history that is going to repeat itself again. Will it end here just like back then ?

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I received this thundering news upon coming to school. I was informed by Miss Tan that I'll be switching to another class. It came too abruptly. I didn't even have the time to digest it, & before long I'm sitting in my new classroom. It was situated at the new block, meaning the chances of dropping by to see her is minimised to a near zero percent, as her building is at the old block, & the break times are somehow different, not to mention the timetable & lecture groups will be entirely different.

That strong feeling for her within me seems to have shaken. All long that fatum within us gave me endless courage to have faith that someday it'll go back to just like how it all begun between me & her. But now my faith started to hesistate. Maybe Juliet doesn't want to face me afterall. It seems like we're like two boats in a narrow channel that can only fit in the width of one boat. Her boat is sailing towards the eastern direction, whereas mine is slowly altering course towards the western direction. If these two boats continue to persist in sailing the same direction, there might be a probability that a collision will coccur in this narrow channel.

" Argh !!! ~ what stupid theory I'm thinking of ... " I thought to myself

I started to shake my head to get rid all of these unwanted thoughts,

" As long as my faith stays within me .. I'll succeed ! " I told myself.

It also strengthen my decision to go create a miracle between me & her once again.

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Nine months have passed. O level results were collected. Joanne & me have decided to stay on at VJC to do our A levels. Afterall it was a school that once shared so much memories of the past & now. I've heard from fellow schoolmates that Reagan has remained in VJC too. Nothing much has changed other than the fact being that Reagan seem to have disappear from my life for this past nine months. He never approaches me, neither did I. We have met on several occasions during school events, but it was just a mere hi & bye between us. I can always sense from his eyes that he has something to tell me, but nevertheless he gave up, & just went away. As much as I've that eager to see him & clear our doubts, my courage gave way too.

That magical fatum seems to have lose its presence between us. I was confused myself too. I often wondered is fatum telling me to move on ...

" Juliet dear ... you heard the latest news ? ! ? " Joanne ran to me speaking in a excited tone.

" huh ? whats the hot topic .. miss gossip .. tee-hee ... "

" remember our arts union president Davin ? there have been rumours going around that he is intending to chase you !!! hahaha "

" huh ? " I gave Joanne a blurry look.

" Aiyo .. don't act la .. during the last orientation back then, can already see that he is so concerned about you, helped you block the water bomb attacks & stuff. . huhrur .. don't shy ..haahaa ~ "

" aww .. come on .. Joanne .. that doesn't mean anything .. & you know that I'm still ......... "

" waiting for reagan ? " Joanne completed my sentence before I could continue on.

I gave an convincing look to Joanne.

" not exactly waiting for him .. maybe just an answer ... a long awaited answer ....."

" Juliet dear .. it pains me to see you in such state .. why don't you move on ... afterall you & Reagan seem to have no sparks left, all the fate that once linked you both together is all gone isn't it .. since the day he switched class ... hmmm .. hai .. "

" Joanne dearie .. I really don't know .. something in my heart seems to be telling me not to give up for miracle will happen once again ... "

" Hmm ... sigh .. in that case I leave Davin for myself then ... " Joanne jokingly said.

" hahahahah .. uh-uh ~ & look who's talking .. you seem to be more interested in that Davin not me ... okays .. tsk tsk .. huhrur "

" bleah ..... I'm just doing you a favour so your Reagan won't be misunderstand about you & Davin okays . tra-lalalal ~ haas ~ "

Joanne spat out her tongue at me before running off again.

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" Phew .. I finally found it after all these months !!! " I wiped my sweat off my forehead & tally the image I'm seeing with the photo I'm holding onto now.

I immediately started to create this long awaited miracle.

As the sun begins to set down, I sat down admiring my master piece. This faith towards Juliet shall start to work its wonders once again. I dropped the photo consisting of my ah pa, ah ma & uncle Roy under the huge tree in VJ from my hand & just lie down under the tree.

" where it all begins, it shall all end "

---------------------------

I strolled around the shopping mall aimlessly. Joanne was supposed to meet me, but she was held up by her CCA.

I was browsing through the rows of shop when a lighting on a shop suddenly blinded me.

" One-Stop Love Service Center "

" didn't I came here with Joanne many months back ago ? " My memory slowly trace back to the incident we have here with that greek accented fortune teller.

I entered into the shop unknowingly & before long I was greeted by the same greek accented guy again.

" hoho .. my young lady .. how can I help you ? "

" eh .. hmmm .. " I looked around the shop helplessly not knowing what should I do.

" hoho .. you here to find our shop mr CUTE guy .. hohoho girls around your age does that often .. haaaaa ~ "

" huh ? mr CUTE guy ? eh .. I think you got the wrong idea .. I just happen to passby & step in ... you remember me ? many months back I came with a girl to let you calculate our love fortune ?"

Pahim paused for a while, tracing back his memory.

" EUREKA ! you're that Juliet right ? "

" yes yes ... you remembered me .. tee-hee " I smiled back.

" hoho ... well you see I don't usually does fortune telling for customers, I only do it when I've have that urge .. so I usually remember .. hoho "

" uh ~ cool .. " I smiled back again.

" so you're here for fortune telling again ? Hmm .. you know its really a coincidence that I've that urge in me now .. hohoho "

" huh ? " I gave a blur look to Pahim.

" Come lets sit down .. & we shall get started .... "

I somehow came unprepared for all these. I don't even know what makes me step into this shop again & let this jovial fellow calculate my love life again.

" Ar .. I finally see your future this time round ... hoho ~ " Pahim begins as he gave me a assuring smile.

" The fear of love shall finally pays off, as the magical fatum starts to work again .. all the answers slowly unrevealed once again in the eye of cupid, ..The happiness and sorrows that you felt across these chapters of love, you've fell, you've cried & you've learned. Where it all begins, it shall all end ... "

Pahim closed his books, & smiled.

" where it all begins, it shall all end ... " I muttered at his last words.

Somehow I was enlightened by his words. A strong feeling within me is telling me to go search for this beginning now. My intuition tells me that I know where this beginning is all along, I shall followed the asnwers in my heart. Before long, I dashed out of the shop searching for this beginnning.

" Ring !!! " My phone started ringing.

" hello ... Joanne dearie .. I'm in a rush now to search for something, get back to you later okays ? "

" wait ... Juliet dear ... I'm sorry ... Reagan passed me a letter earlier on & asked me to passed it to you .. but I ..... lose it .. I just can't seem to find it now ... hello you there ? Juliet dear ? "

" oh .. gosh phone ran out of battery .. just now Joanne was mentioning about what letter from Reagan ? tsk .. no time for that now .. " Juliet ran off without clearing her doubts.

---------------

Juliet,

where it all begins, it shall all end ...

With Love,

Reagan

I slowly insert the photo consisting of my ah pa, ah ma & uncle Roy taken under the huge tree in VJ together with the letter into the envelope. I've taken months to find this present huge tree in VJ. My ah pa told me that it was called the tree of love in those days back then. It bear the remembrance of love between uncle Roy & ah ma back then. The school gardener told me that this huge tree undergo some big revamp few years back, most of its tree branches were cut off, thus I got a hard time searching for it. The tree trunk remains with all its memories carved onto it.

When I first found it, I was elated. It was the start to all beginning.

I slowly carved the wordings on the tree trunk,

where it all begins, it shall all end ...

with the R & J carving that was found on the primary school table & also on "the tale of the star-crossed lover" back then. I took months to practise this piece of exquisite work, the R & J with the heart shape surrounding it.

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I was taking bus 284 en route back to the primary school where it all begins for me & Reagan. I managed to find my spare handphone battery & reconnect it back to my phone.

" Joanne was mentioning to me about Reagan & a letter to me ? could it be ... ? " I mumbled to myself.

I immediately called back Joanne.

" Juliet dear .. I've found the letter !!!! the tree !!! sorry ... for opening it without your permission, but I could see the urgency in Reagan's eye & thought it was something important .. & I can't find you .. so I opened it .. but anyway thats not the point .... the content of the letter was written where it all begins, it shall all end, & then there was a old photo taken under this huge tree in VJ with your dad & two other person inside. I went to the tree & found a carving by Reagan to you, he once again carved where it all begins, it shall all end ...on the tree trunk, o... ya with a special carving beside it ... some R & J letterings with a heart shape surrounding it ... you heard me ... hello .... "

I turned speechless upon hearing Joanne words.

" hello ... Juliet dear .. u heard me ? "

I hung up the phone, more determined than ever to search for the beginning. I was telling myself that my intuition is right, it is bringing me to where it all started.

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I sat down at the classroom, staring at the air blankly. The sudden influx of silence stabbed into me, causing me to jerk a little. I looked at my watch, 20th February 7:00pm. I was wondering will she appear ? did she see my letter ? I slowly let my memories take over me, letting them fill in the emotions that have been shrouding me for the last nine months. I shut my eyes closed, drifting off to my emotional thoughts.

Everything seems so empty. For the last nine months, every single movement seems empty. Even in a crowd of people, I feel lonely. I feel like you're the only one in the world that can wipe out this loneliness in me. Every seconds, I think of ways to make you smile, I imagine where you are, & every second, you're like a part of me, & I see you more than I see myself because the moment I closed my eyes, your image stands in front of me.

Tears have, amorously found their way out of my closed eyes. Is this how true love feels? A combination of sadness & happiness, with one second of happiness overpowering all these years of sadness without you.

" Clog Clog ... " I heard footsteps coming towards the direction of the classroom.

I wanted to open my eyes straight at that moment, but I was fearful of disappointment yet again. That suspense filled within me forced me to keep my eyes shut, until I finally heard the classroom door opened, & then the sound of someone breathing heavily.

I slowly opened my eyes, adjusting to the light, slowly seeing a image presented in front of me.

That few seconds paused as if a few generations have passed as we both see each other in the eyes.

" Hi everyone, my name is ... J U L I E T , you guys know Romeo & Juliet ?? well my name is same as that Juliet .. " she suddenly shouted.

My eyes brighten up instantly. I returned a smile back.

"You, Ask me a question !" Juliet pointed at me.

" s-oo-so-so you got a boyfriend named Romeo ? " I replied.

She gave me a smile back instantly, saying

" nahz.. so u wanna be my Romeo ? "

where it all begins, it shall all end ..

{ THE END }

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.

William Shakespeare