爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 5 ]

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,

and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

--------------

It was a starry night. I gazed out of the window, staring at the ample sky.

"Ah Pa .. is there a possibility that ah ma has become one of the stars shining upon us, protecting us ?"

"Hmmm .. perhaps .."

"you still miss her ?"

"Hmmm .. I don't know !"

I turned around & looked at dad with confused eyes.

"Reagan .. sometimes in life, certain things are hard to explain, for instance my love towards your ah ma. I'm confsued with myself too. Your ah ma is someone whom i love & yet hate at the same time. But i guess her departure has create an love phobia inside me, a barrier which i can't convince myself to cross it. Thats why i've been escaping from reality all this while through the years. Sorry ...

"Ah Pa ... ... "

My mind went blank. I was more confused than ever. All this while, dad took up drinking not because he love mum, but to ecape from reality, to escape from his love phobia.

"Reagan .. I guess you still too young to understand the part & parcels of life, umm .. but ah pa promise you from now on, I'll stop drinking & to compensate you back this 4 years of long lost parental love .. eh wait not this 4 years only .. but for eternity "

"Serious ?"

"Umm .. " Dad nods

So in this long starry night, my dad finally regain back to the old self that i once know, but yet left me with more question marks towards love, which i can't possibly understand at this point of time.

----------------

1 week has passed since then. A whole long week of medical absence somehow compensate me the warmth & love that I've missed this 4 years.

"I'm all good & ready to go school !!!" I told myself

I missed school, my friends, my classmates & especially Juliet.

During my stay in hospital, almost everyone in class turned up to visit me except for a few, & that exceptional few consist of her. Even my classmates were confused as to why she didn't turn up, considering this short period of time, both of us were rather close to the extent that many have gossiped & joked about both of us being a couple. I was defintely disappointed yet curious to find out why she didn't turn up.

"Has something happened to her ?"

"She choose not to come ?"

My mind just went wild. Somehow I've that uneasiness within me. Everything seems to have come to an end stage, yet somehow it just signify the beginning of everything.

Upon reaching school, i glance around the school compund in hope of seeing her. I didn't get to see her at the bus-stop today. Lady luck wasn't with me afterall, I never get to see her, until morning assembly came. I took a glance at her, she was carrying a very different aura from her normal self. The way she stare at people is simply telling people to get away from her,

"This pair of eyesight seems so familiar, I've seen it before .. " I swore to myself but i just can't remember it.

Lesson time arrived, finally I've a chance to approach her.

"Hey Juliet .. so what has teacher covered for the past week during my absence ?"

Juliet was silent. She didn't even take a look at me. That pair of solemn eyes just stick close to the textbook. I was bewildered by her actions as why she is ignoring me.

"Have I done something wrong to upset you?" I asked

No response ..

Through the whole period, i was so cooped up within myself, then came break time, when i decided to unleash all my doubts on her. I found her alone at one of the empty classroom. I walked in without her noticing.

"Juliet ... " I called her from behind

"R o m .. r ea .. gan " Juliet stuttered.

"Can you pls stop ignoring me ? Why are you doing so ? Just when i thought lady luck was upon me for once, when my dad finally regain back to his own self, & now I'm losing a good friend without knowing why ? why must this be happening ? Ugh !!!" I shouted

Finally Juliet respond.

"Sometimes in life, when we gain something, we lose something. Losing something might be for a better cause .. "

"Stop it for once ... why are you talking like an aldut ? talking about life ? we are just children .. aren't we ? can't we just enjoy the luxury of being a children, wanting things in whatever manner we want. I just don't want to lose anything, anyone, anymore." I broke out in tears ..

"Because fate never allow me to live like a children, I've simply lose too much, everything, everyone. I just can't afford to have a good friend, then lose it again, I'm really tired of losing ...." Juliet broke out in tears while saying her piece too

"Then don't lose it .. why can't we just be good friends forever ? "

"I wish I've such naive thinking like you ... if only everything could be forever ... then i wouldn't have lose it in the first place"

Juliet ran out of the classroom.

"Ju .. li "

I couldn't complete what i wanted to say. I just sat down reflecting on what she said.

"so what if I'm naive .. aren't children supposed to be naive, why can't it be forever ? Even fairy tales have good endings, happily ever after .. if there are no good endings, why are there fairy tales in the first place ... " I thought to myself

I got all answers prepared to oppose her arguement in this short debate, but Juliet was no longer around.

-----------

I went home feeling lethargic & restless. I just have no mood for anything. Upon reaching home, I just lie down on my bed without noticing ben was in the room too.

"Not feeling well again ?" Ben asked across from his bed.

"you're around ? thats a rare sight .. " I replied ..

"tsk .. you're not answering my question .. & i guess you should be okay .. still got strength to rebuke back .. hur "

"I'm not okays .. not a bit at all .. "

"you don't look sick ? mmm ... lovelorn ? hahaha" Ben joked

"love again ? sighs why must it always be love ... "

"aww ... snap out of it ... stop talking like a holy saint ! next year when you're in secondary school .. you will be the one initiating lor .. taa-haa"

I shake my head.

"Kor .. you know something .. I can't even maintain a good friend relationship with a friend, let alone love"

"female friend ?"

I nod my head.

"Uh-uh ... somebody is in loveeeeee !!!"

"come on ... shook it off ! is just a platonic relationship between me & her"

"I never believe that a guy & ger can maintain a PLATONIC relationship .. taa-haa"

"tsk ... " i just kept quiet

" .. serious .. u swear you didn't have any love feeling for her, not even that bit ?"

"I don't even know how is it like to be in love , let alone have feelings for her ?" I replied

"well at least how restless & lethargic you are now betrays how you feel, isn't it so .. if is just a nomal friendship, will you be so upset over it ?"

"of course .. is a good friend we are talking here right now, who wouldn't feel so upset ? "

"tsk ... well no point debating with you right now, in future you'll just know .. "

I started to doubt ben as a "love expert" . He can't even differentiate a friendship & a love relationship. Nevertheless I'm just too tired to get that point to him, i just shut my eyes off, then i saw it ..

That pair of eyesight ... the same pair that Juliet was carrying today .. i remebered it ... i know where i saw it before ...

"The little girl in bright yellow rain coat. She carry the same eyesight when i first saw her with ah ma back then .. "

"Could it be ..... Juliet was that little girl back then ? " I thought to myself

---------------

Everything seems so fast paced. All the things that are happening, it seems too real to be true. Could it be what ah ma say .. this is the destiny that is awaiting me ?

I decided to confront Juliet the next day at school to clear my doubts. I know its going to be akward after what happened today, but somehow that eagerness to know the truth just give me the courage to approach her once again. I musn't escape from reality.

Next day back at school, Juliet didn't turn up. My eagerness turn into disappointment.

"Alright class ... I've a news to announce .. settle down fast .. Juliet has left us for a better change in environment to study. She will no longer be with us .. Reagan take note please .. can strike her off the class namelist ... okays .. alright lets get back to lesson .. "

I was stunned.

"Juliet has left ? is she avoiding me after what happen ? why ?

As much as i want to know the answers, i guess i no longer have the chance to find out. She will forever remain a mystery to me.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.

william shakespeare