爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 7 ]

When you have nothing left but love, then

for the first time you become aware that love is enough.

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A month has passed since then. I never heard any news of Juliet again. Life went back to the monotonous pace.

Between tragedy and comedy the transition is often but slightly marked. Thus Romeo and Juliet differs but little from most of Shakespeare's comedies in its ingredients and treatment--it is simply the direction of the whole that gives it the stamp of tragedy. Romeo and Juliet is a picture of love and its pitiable fate in a world whose atmosphere is too sharp for this, the tenderest blossom of human life. Two beings created for each other feel mutual love at the first glance; every consideration disappears before the irresistable impulse to live for one another; under circumstances hostile in the highest degree to their union, they unite themselves by a secret marriage, relying simply on the protection of an invisible power. Untoward incidents following in rapid succession, their heroic constancy is within a few days put to the proof, till, forcibly separated from each other, by a voluntary death they are united in the grave to meet again in another world.

All this is to be found in the beautiful story which was told long before Shakespeare's day, and which, however simply told, will always excite a tender sympathy; but it was reserved for Shakespeare to join in one ideal picture purity of heart with warmth of imagination; sweetness and dignity of manners with passionate intensity of feeling. Under his handling, it has become a glorious song of praise on that inexpressible feeling which ennobles the soul and gives to it its highest sublimity, and which elevates even the senses into soul, while at the same time it is a melancholy elegy on its inherent and imparted frailty; it is at once the apotheosis and the obsequies of love. It appears here a heavenly spark that, as it descends to earth, is converted into the lightning flash, which almost in the same moment sets on fire and consumes the mortal being on whom it lights. All that is most intoxicating in the odor of a southern spring, all that is languishing in the song of the nightingale or voluptuous in the first opening of the rose, all alike breathe forth from this poem. But even more rapidly than the earliest blossoms of youth and beauty decay does it, from the first timidly bold declaration and modest return of love, hurry on to unlimited passion, to an irrevocable union; and then hasten, amid alternating storms of rapture and despair, to the fate of the two lovers, who yet appear enviable in their hard lot, for their love survives them, and by their death they have obtained an endless triumph over every separating power. The sweetest and the bitterest love and hatred, festive rejoicings and dark forebodings, tender embraces and sepulchral horrors, the fullness of life and self-annihilation, are here all brought close to each other; and yet these contrasts are so blended into a unity of impression, that the echo which the whole leaves in the mind resembles a single but endless sigh.

As i wrote the last sentence on this piece of essay, I paused thinking.

"How ironic given the fact that i used to think that Romeo & Juliet has a happy ending to it, yet only till now that i found out it has a sad ending to it."

All the classic english that i used to not understand seems to reveal itself in front of me now. I can imagine myself living in shakespeare's era & excel in their command of language, indulging myself in their era of romance, the simplicity & yet complex mindset towards love.

All this years, no doubt I've not experienced love before, but I've seen many that went through it, busking in the sweetness of love, & yet suffering in the bitterness of love. I often wondered is it really worth pouring all your emotions towards love, thinking back the relationship i've with Juliet back then, was it really considered love?

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"Oeii .. Mr shakespeare .. " someone suddenly snapped my thoughts.

"Joanne .. stop sneaking up on me "

Somehow it just reminds me of the days when Juliet often sneaked up on me.

"bleah ... tee-hee " Joanne sticking out her tongue.

Joanne is an unique friend of mine. She has been my study partner through this years. We often met up just to study. Though we are of different school, our calibre of academic wise are considered on par. That strengthen my decision to pair up with her to benefit each other in academic results. Through the years, she has not only fufill her requirement as a good study partner, but also as an good listener to me.

"thinking of which girl seh .. so deep in thoughts .. " Joanne teasing me.

"just thinking of someone ..."

"HER ? " Joanne asked

I nod my head.

"Hmmmm .. after all this years, still can't get her off your mind ? " Joanne asked

"I'm just unsure about my relationship with her back then, you know its just so ironic that i was so adamant about my platonic relationship wih her towards my brother back then, & now feeling so unsure of my feeling towards her"

"hmmm .. ever thought before .. perhaps you've read too much shakespeare, causing all this unneccessary thoughts." Joanne replied

"maybe ?"

"you know .. sometimes, its not the things that have changed, but its the humans that have changed isn't it .. tee-hee" Joanne smiled

It was exactly what miss Tan said. Perhaps what both of them said are true. My platonic relationship with Juliet hasn't change, but its just me that have changed.

"Come on .. snap out of love, concentrate on our studies... yea .. O levels is just a few months away from us."

"hey .. its not LOVE .. its just ....."

"yaya not love .. my bad .. lets switch subject okays .. hahaha" Joanne interrupting me before i could complete my sentence.

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I'm meeting Joanne today at the library again. Recently we have been meeting quite often due to the fact that exams are coming. Its quite ironic in a way that Joanne & I only meet during exam periods. Both of us formed a common understanding with one another, whenver exams draw close, we just contact each other to meet up to study. Through this period of time, we not only study together. but also helped each other to de-stress by sharing each of our own secrets & lending that pair of listening ear to one another. Its weird in a way given the fact that we don't contact each other oftenly, & yet can pour our own heart matters to one another. I often think that perhaps its due to the fact that we are not close with one another, thats why we are able to pour to one another, not fearful of leaking out our own problems.

"Sorry .. I'm late .." Joanne ran towards my direction hastily.

"As usual .. kinda used to it .. " I sacrastically replied

"Oeii .. gentleman are suuposed to wait for ladies de ma .. claim you are shakespeare expert & you don't know that .. " Joanne rebuked

"yes .. my fair lady .. thou art wait upon you .. "

"tee-heee ... bleah " Joanne sticking out her tongue

"Hey i just discovered something special today ... " Joanne said

"uh-uh ~ what ? that I'm handsome or cute ? " I jokingly replied

"come on .. knock it off ... let me ask you a question first ... "

"hahaha okay .. " i responded

"whats the relationship between the number 220 & 284 ? "

I was taken aback by her question. It was so familiar, i seem to have heard of it somewhere before.

"ehh ..... "

"stuck le right ? mathematician expert ? " Joanne getting back at me as her results for maths was always lower than me.

"indeed .. i just couldn't find the relationship between this 2 absurd number .. " I thought

"tee-hee .. let me solve it for you ... " Joanne replied

"All the factors of 220 are 1,2,4,5,10,11,20,22,44,55,110 & of course 220. The factors of 284 are 1,2,4,71,142 & 284.

"If i add up the sum of the factors of 220 excluding 220 itself, 1+2+4+5+10+11+20+22+44+55+110 = 284

likewise i add up the sum of the factors of 284 excluding 284 itself, 1+2+4+71+142 = 220

The sum of factors of 220 is 284, the sum of the factors of 284 is 220. The pair is called Amicable numbers. Don't you find it fascinating ? Out of so many numbers, this pair just matches each other. My friend said that this pair of number just signifies," my heart only got you, & your heart only got me ... " so romantic right ? "

I was stunned. I finally remembered the question Juliet phase to me before.

"you know something, my birthday & our bus number 284 has a significant meaning to it .. teehee thats why somehow or rather i love to take bus 284 to school."

"February 20th & bus 284 ?

"February 20th = 220 .. so 220 & 284 matches with one another." I mumbled to myself.

"Huh ? ya both of them matches .. but wait whats with the february 20th ? " Joanne asked.

"o .. nothing luhs .. wow indeed so fascinating " I replied

So thats the relationship of 220 & 284, the mystery that i can't get to solve all this years.

"yea ... I simply loved this pair of number ... my birthday falls on 28th april, making it look like 284, so i'm so mesmerized by this pair of number now."

"you know something .. my birthday faills on 20th february .. making it look like 220 .. " I replied

"serious .. GOSH ... " Joanne shocked with my reply ...

"so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... "

"yea .. maybe " Joanne responded with some shyness.

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I flashed back towards why Juliet pose me this question back then. The relationship between 220 & 284. Both our birthday falls on the same day, 20th February. Our fate with the number 284 bonded both of us together. I was thinking what Joanne said, this pair of number signifies "my heart only got you, & your heart only got me"

Perhaps back then, both me & Juliet really experienced such thoughts before ..

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.

william shakespeare