爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 10 ]

To love is to suffer.

To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

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It has been weeks since that incident. Joanne never contacted me again.

" Argh !!!! Why must it happen again ??? It first happen to Juliet & now Joanne .... "

I shouted at the top of my voice.

" Why ? Why ? Why must we have love .... since its existence is just to let people suffer ... "

I broke out in tears.

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" Because ,

To love is to suffer.

To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

I hope you're getting this down. "

Juliet muttered.

" It seems contradicting .. I seem to get it & yet don't get it ... Argh !! why must it be so complicating ??? " Joanne said in a fustrating tone.

It has been weeks since Joanne fell out of love. All along she has been mentioning to me about this particular guy that she was interested in. Since the day I knew Joanne, this guy often appeared in our conversation. Its quite an irony given the fact that through this 4 years with Joanne, I've still no idea who is this guy, whats the guy name, etc. I conclude Joanne was deeply infatuated with this guy from the start. Weeks ago, Joanne came to me in tears, claiming that she fell out of love. She was rejected after showing hints to this guy. Since then, she has been restless & lethargic till now.

" my dear .. from the start, it was never going to be easy ... but fret not for its not the end of world isn't it .. " I gave Joanne a hug.

Joanne broke out in tears again.

" you're still the best to me .. Juliet .. "

I gave Joanne my trademark smile.

" Of course ... you're my bestie for the past 4 years .. uh-urh.. Remember my heart only got you & your heart only got me ..the 284 & 220 story ? tee-hee " I winked at Joanne.

" aww how gross .. that was meant for a couple .. " Joanne jokingly said.

" yea .. you're gonna be my lesbian partner for the rest of your years .. hahahaha bleah .. "

" hahaha .. thanks my lesbian partner .. I felt much better le .. " Joanne gave me a hug.

" okok we better stop this hug before people might really think we are lesbians ... hahah " I told Joanne.

" yes my bestie ... muacks .. " Joanne gave me a flying kiss.

" awww so sweet ... " I playfully catch her kiss in midair, & place it upon my chest.

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" you're back home finally .. you should stop staying over at your grandma house .. its so old & tattered . " Mum said in a huaghty tone.

" whats the point of living in a maisonette without any warmth in it " I thought to myself.

I just walked back into my room without even replying my mum. I've been living in this cold "palace" ever since my dad departed from this world. Ever since I grew up as an infant, my memory only consist of my dad giving me endless love, bringing me up with his unrequited love & support. My mum was a career minded person, since young, I never get to see her often. She was often away for business trips, & even her presence brought fear to me, as she always carries a cold aura around her. She was renowned for her selfish, cruel, harsh acts in the business world, thus my image of her has never been angelic.

I still remembered at a point of time, I became autistic due to the fact my school mates often teased me about my dad bringing me to school. All the others have their mums clenching their son/daughters hands tightly, whereas this scene never happened to me at all. Despite dad was always around for me, I never learn to appreciate this fact at that point of time only until now. I was always trying ways & means not to let others see my face. I even came up with a stupid idea of wearing a yellow raincoat to school despite rain or shine. As an autistic young child, I felt so helpless back then. I can only cooped up myself in corners, hoping not to attract attention from others.

My phobia towards humans slowly grew. But my dad never gave up on me. He brought me to stay with grandma. Only from that point of time, I slowly learned to open up myself to others. That period of time was the sweetest memory I have, despite living in a small compartment, I can find endless love & warmth in it. Everyday there will be endless laughters & fun within the compartment. Despite I have opened up myself, i still got this fear towards other people. My grandma & dad slowly encourage me to interact & even later propose the idea of switching school, so as to let me interact more with kids around my age.

The switching of school was nevertheless the best part of my school life. For once, i was excited to go school & learn, & played with kids around my age. Somehow at a later part, it also turned out to be the saddest part of my school life.

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" Beep Beep " my handphone signalled a incoming sms interrupting my thoughts.

[ hey Juliet .. free on sunday ? ]

I take a look & deleted it away.

Through this years, I've endless suitors but I've show no interest in any of them. Deep in my heart, I have not forgotten him all this while. The last I've seen him was in a newspaper cutting. " The TOP PSLE STUDENT OF THE YEAR " . That particular year, there were 2 top students with the same score. One was him, & the other was actually me. There was no reports of me after I have decline to have any reports on me. At that moment when i spotted him on newspaper, I was really shocked. I kept wondering could it possibly be him ? Fate seems to intertwine between both of us since the day we first met & even till after I left him. But my strong willed power told me since I've made a decision in leaving him, I've to go against fate, & never ever look back. It has been 4 years, & finally somehow I've won against fate.

" Yawnzzz .. why did i suddenly think of him again ? tsk ... "

I guess I'm having too much thoughts tonight, I covered my face in pillow screaming

" Juliet .. Its all over ... get to sleep !!!! "

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There are many different types of love in this world, thus there are many different ways of expressing love. What revolves around that love, and the many different circumstances, trials, and tribulations that a love might face can greatly influence the outcomes of that love. These trials and tribulations can also be seen as different literary elements when used in plays. When looking at Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, he used many different themes and elements to provide complexity to the love story. Shakespeare cleverly takes the main theme of the play, love, and ties in other elements such as time, stage imagery, and language to pull the whole play together in a way that makes one think about the play on other levels.

A love that must revolve around time and is not allowed to take a.....

" Juliet .... " Joanne suddenly screamed at me from behind before i could continue on with my essay ...

" Gosh .. can you stop scaring me ? tsk .. I'm in the midst of my Romeo & Juliet ... hurhur " I sounded in an fustrating tone

" Sorry luhs .. dear .. " Joanne sounded in a regretful manner

" tee-hee thou shall be forgive !! " I replied

" Ugh ! stop talking in classic english .. it somehow just remind me of him , you know something .. you both really love literature alot .. always seem to see you both busk in Romeo & Juliet .. ar .. tsk tsk "

" come on .. it just happens to be a subject that we gotta take for o levels .. don't take it to heart okays ... don't even link me to him ar .. tsk "

" yaya whatever ... bleah ... hmmm can i ask you something ? "

" suries my dear .. " I replied.

" Do you think that i should still keep in contact with him ? He seems worried about me .. ever since that incident . He has sent me hundreds of sms through the weeks, but i never replied any at all .. "

" Hmmm ... well from the start, you both didn't even started .. & being able to muster up his courage to tell you the truth ... this guy ain't too bad " I laughed

" Or-orh ... don't tell me you're interested in him .. so protective of him .. hurhur .. " Joanne jokingly said.

" No way !!! I'm not interested in a raffles nerd ... hahaha "

" oeii .. so you're saying I like a nerd lor ... booo "

" hahahaha ... okok enough of jokes .. but seriously speaking you should ask yourself .. are you still able to see him as a good friend & not as someone you like ? "

" hmmm .. to ask me to just simply forget a guy that I'm secretly in love for the past 4 years ... is not an easy feat .. "

" haha ...to be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia." I said

" yea i suppose so ... ugh .. I'm so confused right now. "

" if i were you, perhaps i sent a sms telling him that you're alright ? at least assure him that you're still alive .. tee-hee "

" uh - uh ~ "

" As for what happens at a later stage ... wait till after O levels ba !!! its time to mug .... we are just weeks away from O levels !!!!! "

" awww .. spoiler ... don't even remind me of it ... tsk tsk "

[ to be cont .. ]

Journeys end in lovers meeting

william shakespeare