爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 11 ]

What we need to know about loving is no great mystery.

We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it.

Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight.

We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy.

It's we who make it complicated.

-------------

" dad .. can i ask you a question ? "

" sure .. sweetie ... "

" That auntie Josie I saw today ... is she a very good friend of yours ? "

Roy went silent.

" dad .. have you ever loved mum before ? "

" sweetie .. love is a very complex subject .. its not something I can explain to you in sentences & words ... "

" dad .. I may not know love .. but the way you stare at auntie Josie today betrays your thoughts .. the tears that weld your eyes after seeing her ... its something that won't happen between you & mum ..."

" sweetie .... "

I interrupted dad before he could continue on ..

" dad .. perhaps love is not as complex as you made it sound like .. its you people that made it complicated .. isn't it .. "

I walked away without saying good night.

Utter disappointments, broken promises, betrayals, quarrels are just part of this family. It just shut myself from others. I hated that young boy with auntie Josie today, yet envious of him. That parental love that I seek so much seems so far from me, that young boy has taken my share of happiness. Its a ironic fact that how alduts often think that we childrens might not know anything but in actual fact, we are the one that see most clearly. Though we may not interpret or understand it, but that feeling just tells it all. Since young, that has been the way of communicating with my parents. My dad did try efforts to change this system, but it was futile, the grudge has been laid, the way I do not understand him, & how I was often teased by my school mates just shuts me out from others. It was an phobia inside of me. I just can't describe this feeling within me, all i know that it was something that I'm fear of & never want to approach it.

-------------

I closed my diary. Through this years, I never failed to update my feelings inside this book of secret. Every now & then, I would just take it out & read. Perhaps thats the only way that I could communicate with that inner side of me, that phobia within me.

" Hmm .. come to think of it ... that little young boy beside auntie Josie reminds me of him .... they sure look alike .. " I thought to myself.

" Ugh .. crazy thoughts .. " I mumbled to myself.

Recently, somehow my thoughts just swayed to his existence. Its like after so long, I've conquered myself to avoid him & it was successful but recently all these crazy thoughts just came to me.

" I guess I must be mugging too much .. come on Juliet .. its not the time to think of him ... its all over between me & him ... "

I just buried my head under my pillow & dozed off.

------------

" Juliet ... the day after .. you'll switch school ... " Mum spoke in a cold tone to me.

" But why mum ? I'm happy there ... " I rebuked.

" Happy in school or with that young boy ? " Mum retorted.

" But thats not being the point .. why pull Reagan inside this conversation ... "

" tsk .. humpfh .. then you gotta question your dear father why ... "

" huh ? what has it gotta do with dad ? why ? why ? why ? " I shouted.

" you want to know why ! I shall tell you .. because your dad murdered that young boy's mum !!!! "

I went silent ..

Dad murdered Reagan's mum. That was the most absurd thing I've ever heard of.

" Don't believe me ... go ask that useless father of yours ... !! "

Just at this moment, dad came into the picture. He was speechless. He seem to have overheard the conversation between me & mum.

" sweetie .. listen to your mum ... "

" dad .. did you really .... m u r ... d " I stammered.

Before i could continue on, dad suddenly shouted ...

" YES I DID !!! I KILLED HER !!! I MURDERED HER !!! "

-----------

I woke up abruptly. I still could feel that freeze down my spine. That shout from dad just woke me up. It was a nightmare.

" Phew .. for once I thought history was repeating itself again, why am I reenacting this whole scene again... tsk "

I immediately freshen up myself, before wash-up. It was the last day of my paper. The long awaited day after 4 long years, the day that will end this part of my journey, & renew with a new beginning soon after.

" Juliet dear ... prepared for your rendezvous with Romeo later .. hehe ? "

" yes .. Joanne .. more than prepared .. "

" ooo .. who am I to question the top literature student of the school ... tsk tsk "

" yea .. bleah ... come on its the last paper .. brighten up !!!" I shouted.

" aww .. not for this paper .. literature has always been a killer ... if not for you .. I wouldn't have taken up .. " Joanne replied.

" Come on ... you did enjoy too right ... the romance of Romeo & Juliet .. "

" Yea .. maybe the romance part .. but not the exam part .. hahaha " Joanne joked.

" hahaha .. bleah come on .. lets give our last surge ... & we shall go celebrate later ... I got a surprise for you ... "

" ooo ~ SURRPISE ? "

"uh-uh ~ " I nodded

" What is it ? Don't keep me in suspense, or else I no mood for paper ... hehe "

" Nono .. its meant to be a surprise .. so you'll know it later .. tee-hee "

" Alrights ... " Joanne spoke in a moody manner.

----------------

" YAY !!! Its finally over !!! our 4 long years ..... woooooo !!! " Joanne ran out of the hall shouting.

That sense of achievement, the 4 years that has been slogged, the amount of time spent mugging, has finally come to an end.

" Joanne ... you've just passby O levels .. 2 years later .. you still got the A levels .. " I joked.

" awww come on .. Juliet .. don't be a spoiler .. don't even mention it please .. at least let me enjoy for now !!! "

" taa-haa .. yes my dear .. so ready for your surprise ? "

" of course .. couldn't be more than ready ... " Joanne gave me that smirk look.

" taa-daaa !!!!!! 2 tickets for tonight Romeo & Juliet play ... at esplanade theatre "

" Gosh ... my dear Juliet .. can't you get enough of R & J .. we just finished it ... you know .. "

" yes I know I know ... but it is a very good play, I've heard good comments about it .. you know & its their last day .. "

" sighs ... what to do when you got a friend that is so obsessed by R & J ... seems that I got to company you ... "

" tee-hee ... I knew my Joanne dear wouldn't leave me alone ... at the most .. I give you the honour of surprising me the whole of next week .. tee-hee "

" orh - oh ... you meant it ... I'm gonna surprise you with blind dates ... hahahaha " Joanne joked.

" yes yes .. you & your blind dates .. can we leave missy dear ? or else we gonna be late you know .. "

" Alrights ...... "

-----------

The whole esplanade theatre was packed. I presume it must have been a very good play, which explains the crowd inside. I was getting all excited despite the long queues in line.

" Joanne .. its so cool isn't it .. the whole layout ... of the theatre .. just like back then in shakespeare play ... "

" I got to admit , its fascinating, the whole atmosphere inside here ... I guess you didn't made a wrong choice .. "

" of course , I wouldn't recommend you the wrong things okays .. haha "

Just when I'm still enjoying this whole atmosphere inside the theatre, I thought I caught a glimpse of him.

" Could it be him ? It can't possibly be him right ? " i told myself.

I went into panic mode, hoping that all these were just an illusion. I immediately hide my face behind the brochure I was holding, in pretense of reading it.

" what are you mumbling about .. Juliet ... " Joanne asked.

" nothing luhs ... "

The whole play went on as planned. I was having mixed feelings throughout the whole play.

" what if it was really him ? what if he saw me ? "

I was thinking of all possibilities that could have happened. I wasn't prepared for all this at all. At that moment of time, I only wished to leave as soon as possible, yet i was fearful that my departure now will create a commotion, & he will notice it, I can only pray that the play end soon, & I can leave without him noticing.

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;

The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:

Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;

Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:

For never was a story of more woe

Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Finally the play ended.

" ENCORE ! ENCORE ! ENCORE ! "

Everyone in the hall started to applaud at the wonderful performance put up.

After the crowd started to disperse, I pulled Joanne hands & walk swiftly out of the crowd.

" Whats the rush ? Juliet .... "

" No luhs .. was getting a bit heat up inside .. the ventilation ought to improve a bit ... orh ... "

Joanne gave me that half belief look.

" Juliet .. you saw it right ? "

" Huh ? saw what ? "

" saw that I really wasn't myself through the play ... "

I gave a confused look.

" I saw him just now .... " Joanne spoke in a slow tone.

" him ? "

" yea .. I didn't expect to see him at this occasion, only then I came to realise that he was a R & J fanatic like you ... so come to know of it, it really wasn't a shock, but somehow it really came as a surprise like you said ... hurhur "

At that moment, I only came to realize that the him Joanne refering to was that guy who rejected her.

" I'm sorry .. Joanne .. I didn't know ... "

" No its ok ..you need not apologise .... its not really your fault ... I guess I'm the one that is affected by it & can't seem to let go entirely yet ... "

I gave Joanne a good hug.

" anyway thanks dear .. you must have noticed it somehow, thats why to get me out of this akward position, you rushed out right .. hehe " Joanne smiled.

" huh ... erm yea .... "

I decided to continue on with this white lie, I guess Joanne wasn't in a state to know what really happened too. It was so coincidental that Joanne met that guy & I somehow seem to have met him too. I guess it was really a night full of surprises, & somehow my intuition is telling me that more surprises has yet to come.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is a spirit of all compact of fire.

william shakespeare