爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 19 ]

All the love that history knows,

is said to be in every rose.

Yet all the love that could be found in two,

is less than what I feel for you

-------

“ Happy birthday to you ... Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday to Roy Tan ! ~ Happy birthday to you !! ”

The song ended with a peck on his cheek.

“ Happy birthday dear! Quick, blow the candles and make a wish”

Josie pestered as Roy tried to finish off 18 candles at one go.

“ Thanks Dear” Roy replied the kiss.

“ So what wish did you make ?”

“ Am I supposed to tell you ? Don't you knows wishes cannot be revealed or else it won't come true le .. "

" Bleah ~ nonsense !! Hmm let me make a guess ... you still wish I’m your girlfriend next year right ? haha ~ "

“ Don’t wanna tell you!” Roy displayed his resilience.

“Ok loh…” Josie grabbed a portion of the cake and smear it on his face.

Roy returned the favor and the cake was pretty much wasted and uneatable after the couple’s tussle..

“ Dear…” Josie called out to Roy.

“ Yeah ? ” Roy responded.

" ta-duh ... look what I've got for you ... "

" eh .. my birthday present ? "

Roy opened up the carefully wrapped present, & found a book inside.

" the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet "

" wow .. this book looks real classic, must be an antique .. hurhur ... & why this story ? its a love tragedy .. ya know .. "

" well .. tragedy it may seems, but it shows both Romeo & Juliet undying love for one another isn't it .. "

" just like the both of us huh ? so I must die to show that sort of undying love " Roy jokingly replied

" Choy !! touchwood .. I won't want you to die .. okays & i knew your undying love for me le .. " Josie replied in a shy tone.

Roy kissed Josie forehead.

" well .. my turn to give you a gift ... "

Roy carefully carved a heart shape on the back cover of the book, & then the letters R & J inside the heart shape.

" well .. this book shall be our love for one another ... " Roy proudly says upon completion of the artwork he has done.

Josie admired the art work done, & feel touched.

“ Dear .. Why did you like me ? ”

“ Because you have an angelic face with a devilish body that any guys will die to go with?”

There was a grin on Roy’s face.

“ Is that what all guys want ? ” Josie replied with a annoying tone.

“ Nope… but it sure is nice to have ! ”

“ No tell me honestly … ” Josie sounded serious this time.

“Ok… I like you because you looked demure most of the time yet when it comes to enjoying, you are bubbly fun, loving. You are always here for me. You understand me and mature enough to forsake my childishness some times .. I’m really glad to have known you”

Roy replied as he brushed her hair.

“ Is this what you like in women? So if one day another girl with the same attributes as you mention came into your life, will you fall for her ? ”

“ I guess not...”

“ Why? ”

“ Because I have you. You are irreplaceable. ”

“ Dear, I’m glad to have to known you too ”

Their eyes exchange contact followed by a passionate long kiss. The moon was covered by the clouds as much as their innocent youth.

--------------------

" Juliet .. Juliet " Reagan looked at Juliet, calling out her name.

" huh ? " Juliet still shocked over what happened.

They revert back their attention onto the book that have finally opened up. They carefully flipped each page, busking in that ambience & atmosphere the book has magically created. It was like a time travel for the both of them, as they went back into shakespeare era playing the character of Romeo & Juliet. This special bond once shared by both their parents has reawakened & slowly engulf into both of them.

Finally, both of them came to the last page of the book.

It was supposed to be a blank page but there were paragraphs hand written on the page.

Both of them began reading.

“ Josie ,

“The same smile will always be there along with the rosy cheek that blushes each time happiness is felt within you. The eyes of innocent youth will look forever the same..”

Some things haven’t change isn’t it? I wish so much everyday that I could see you once more, not only in dreams but in reality.

I want to feel you so much but I guess it seems impossible now. The days that you’ve gone has come to a hundred and it seems like only yesterday we were having those little strolls along the park behind our house.

Sometimes I want to tell you how much I love you, how much I’m willing to do for you, how much I would rather give half my life to God in exchange for your presence.

But I guess all this ain’t gonna be true once more. You had left me to walk with God in heaven. The little angels send me a dream of you last night. It was about how we first met. Of course, I would not forget about it .. but yesterday was like history relived.

Knowing you was a blessing but having you by my side was a miracle indeed. Somehow I never thought I was of your standards.

You were like the angel with the most beautiful wings spread open whereas I was only a lowly being who look so inhumanly from young.

That’s why I’ve always treasure your attention so much.

Time… I think is a very strange thing. When you’re with someone you love. It always seems so short… but when you’re missing someone… time always seems so long.

One of the happiest moments in my life would be the day you gave me this book.

Those days of being young are coming back to me once more. You looked great with the red dress with floral design all over.

I never think cosmetics make us a better person, especially you. For you had the rosiest cheeks without the enhancement of artificial product.

Remembering back the date.. when we said walking was a form of romantic expression when money was really the main problem? I remembered how we walked from the whole east coast beach to your house at katong. No one has ever calculated how much we’ve walked over the years.

Perhaps a few hundred kilometers ?

I think you must be lonely being alone in the clouds of heaven sometimes. You always dread about loneliness didn’t you? I could remember the times you often complained about the loneliness you felt being the only child in your family…

Loneliness is something which we all will feel throughout our lives. I do hope the angels above can spread their wings of love upon you. I will be strong, I will be mindful of my actions, my speech and my desire. I will lead life as much as you want me to, I will live for you.

Taking life each day as it comes, nothing will be too big a barrier, nothing will be too small to be left unnoticed. I will wake up each day a happier person because life itself is a gift, a gift from the creator of heavens.

As I looked back to the days we’ve spent, knowing that memories will only be there for me to relive once more.

I thank the lord above for the gift of life, even though sometimes life is miserable when we fall, the strength that we develop to pick ourselves up is something not things that are taught, these are the things that we are supposed to learn. Lastly, I love you, and you know I really do. Please wait for me….

Roy ,”

The tears inside Juliet was released the moment she finished reading. Juliet just couldn’t control himself as she cried in Romeo's arms.

Juliet not only let go of her tears, but somehow she has let go of the phobia that has been cooped up in her all these years after reading what her dad has written to Josie. In her heart, she didn't blame Josie. Since the day, she was born & brought up, she could always see that nonchalant look in her dad eyes, though others see her family as a happy one, she didn't feel any warmth in it, slowly she has understand & accept the fact that her dad never once loved her mum before, the affections displayed in public were fake. She often prayed hard that someday, her dad could be reunited with whoever he seems to be thinking of.

-----------------

“ Juliet , are you ok ? ”

“ Yeah.. I’m fine.. sorry ” Juliet said while wiping her tears.

“ Don’t be… it’s good to let your heart out once in a while .. "

" It’s something within me. I’ve been bearing with it for a long time already.”

“ Then you should let go. Carrying a heavy burden all by yourself is miserable ”

“ Yes .. I’ve finally thought through it. ” Juliet let out a smile on her teary face.

" Roy & Josie ... seems familiar ? Hmmm .... EUREKA !!! They were dad's besties ... meaning Josie was my mum, & Roy was your dad ? " Reagan suddenly gave out a shout.

Juliet seems dumbfounded by Reagan's discovery.

" Huh ? your mum is Josie ?? "

" Yes !!! you were that little girl in yellow raincoat with uncle Roy back then right ? I wanted to ask you all along ... but you left that time ... "

" you're aunt Josie's son ? " Juliet mumbled to herself.

" so my DAD MURDERED someone he love most ? how can it be ? " Juliet thought to herself.

Juliet started to shake her head profusely ..

" Cannot be ... it must be a coincidence !! they just happened to share that same name ... " Juliet uttered.

" There's only one way to find out ..... MY DAD !! " Reagan responded instantaneously.

--------------

I followed Reagan back home with mixed feelings.

" What if all these were just like what Reagan had said ... can I still face him ? "

Despite the fear of knowing the truth, curiousity still pricks me, I was determined to find out what really happened back then. Reagan told me the story he has heard from his father on the way back.

" why they broke off ? because of my mum ? I still remember how she used to boast that she & dad had known each other since JC days, & were always so loving as a couple . " I thought to myself.

All these complications are just creating confusion within myself.

" Dad ~ !! " Reagan shouted as he entered into the house.

I dragged my heavy footsteps into the house.

Dave came out from his room, & was surprised to see Reagan together with Juliet.

" Reagan .. your friend ? "

Reagan nods in response to Dave question.

" hi .. uncle .... I'm Juliet " I stuttered.

" Ah pa ... we are here to find out something from you ... "

" from me ? " Dave gave a confused look.

" You mind taking out those photos you showed me yesterday ? " Reagan asked.

" uh ~ ? " Dave hesistated before going to his drawer to take out the pictures again.

" there you're .. answers to all our doubts ... " Reagan showed me the pictures.

I took a look closely, to see my dad inside the picture.

" That's Roy, my ah pa's bestie ... " Reagan said.

I shivered upon Reagan's reply,

" That's my dad .... "

My whole body leaned back against the couch,

So what Reagan had said was all true ... All along I only know upon the fact that my dad killed Reagan's mum, but never did I know that Reagan's mum was also the one that my dad loved most. It came as a shocking truth to me.

Dave was still confused over what was going on,

" eh .. sorry for interrupting .. so what is going on here... "

" ah pa .. Juliet is uncle Roy's daughter ... "

Dave went silent upon hearing that.

" Its really such a coincidence ... ah pa .. we just found ah ma & uncle Roy's love keepsake today ... & then found out that we are all interlinked somehow .. tee-hee "

Dave's past came back to haunt him. He didn't expected all this to happen, nor did he expect that Roy's daughter will appear in front of him.

" Your mum is Carrie right ? " Dave asked Juliet.

" you know my mum ? " Juliet stuttered.

Dave nods, as he begun to share his guilt ridden past to Reagan & Juliet.

All the love that history knows,

is said to be in every rose.

Yet all the love that could be found in two,

is less than what I feel for you

[ To be cont.. ]

It is the star to every wandering bark,

whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

William Shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 18 ]

Don't walk in front of me,

I may not follow ...

Don't walk behind me,

I may not lead ...

Walk beside me,

& be my love ...

---------

" s-oo-so-so you got a girlfriend named Juliet ? " I unexpectedly replied back to Reagan ...

" nahz..so u wanna be my Juliet ? "

We both stared at each other under the limelight shone at us.

I was real confused & shocked by my own actions. Despite how hard I've struggled within myself to avoid him, to detest him, somehow I've lost a resoundingly battle to him. My actions came by so naturally to the stage I didn't even notice that I've succumbed to that silent yet deadly attack by him. It was the beginning for both of us, that scene reanacted before me, still fresh in my memory all these while. It was as if everything just happened yesterday, that nostalgic feel just overcome my phobia for once. I've embrace that feel & atmosphere within the classroom, just like how it all started.

" Wow .. declaration of love on the first day, two years later when we graduate, you both might just get married !!! " Joanne shouted.

The whole class broke into laughter again.

Reagan's face went red instantly, I immediately turned my face away from him, & looked down at my table. It was sure embarrasing, but somehow deep within, I'm enjoying this special attention from Reagan once again, his silly actions never failed to amaze me since the first day we met, & always seems to work its way through my heart & melt me with his touching actions.

The rest of day was an awkward situation for both of us as we both were teased by classmates. Despite that nostalgic feel earlier on, my senses came back to reality. Deep in my heart, I knew that I can never be with him, I must accept the harshness of reality, the truth behind all this ...

" Juliet dearie ... it seems in future I'm gonna walk back alone by myself .. " Joanne teasingfully nudge me on the way back home.

" Come on .. stop it ... its impossible between me & him .. "

" huh ? then why earlier on .. you responded to his approach towards you during the intro .. "

" Joanne dearie .. I really don't know, I'm just confused at that moment ... it just brings me into another dimension, & caught me off guard , thus the actions ... I know its kinda stupid, but well ... I musn't have any feelings for him, & I won't .. love is superficial afterall ... I know I won't find any happiness in it ... "

" Juliet dearie .. your actions seem to betray what you have just spoken ... if you detest love that much, you wouldn't have respond to Reagan's approach .. "

I went silent after hearing that. I know how ironic it was for me to keep rebuking Joanne, when my own actions just betrayed my feelings.

" No matter what ... we both are binded by the truth, which makes it impossible for both of us ... & I shan't further explain myself. " I spoke in a harsh tone.

Joanne went silent upon hearing my harsh tone. I felt apologetic for using such an harsh tone on her, but I just got to strengthen my stand towards how they are piecing me & Reagan together.

-----------------

I went home in a joyous mood. It has been quite some time since I've experienced such mood during my schooling days. I was determined to create more of such opportunities between me & Juliet to reminisce the long lost memories between us, to once again smile together with her when she is happy & also to cry with her when she is sad.

" Ah pa ... " I greeted him upon entering the house.

" You seem to be in a joyous mood today .. hur ~ something happened good at school today ? " Dave responded.

" Hmm .. sort of .. I just happened to find back a long lost memory .. tee-hee "

" Hur .. long lost memory ? "

I nod in response to dad's bewildered face.

" Ah pa .. can tell me more about your courtship days with ah ma back then in VJC. afterall I'm studying where you both used to be .. hurhur "

" Hmmm ... those were the days .. long forgotten by many graduates, but it used to be one of the greatest love story in VJ back then .. haha "

" serious ? ! ? "

Well, my dad ain't the type of person that you would see doing all the romantic & silly actions for girls. Whenever I sneak a peep at his old school photos, it just dawns on me that he is the typical & conservative type which nowadays most nicknamed as "NERD" even till these days ... So its rather unconvincing for me to believe that his story in VJ back then was a hit ...

" Hur .. well everyone have their "crazy" moments, even for me ... back then I chased your ah ma with many daring moves which till today I didn't believed that I would do it, but well it was those "crazy" moments that made me thought I've win for once, but nevertheless, only to find out at a later stage I didn't win afterall.

" huh ? I didn't quite get what ya mean with the winning ... "

Dave went silent. In his heart, he has been struggling all these years to hide the truth from Reagan. His will was wavering each day as Reagan slowly matured up. He knew He can't hide the truth forever, & someday Reagan & him got to face it. He made an unanimous decision. He has decided to start it slow, bits & pieces of long lost memory shall be slowly revealed to him.

" Ahem ... " Dad stood up from his seat & went to the drawer which contains his old school photos. I knew of his secret hideout as I used to sneak at him reminiscing these photos during my young days.

He put a pile of photos in front of me. Inside the pile contains lots of his schooling memories, some of which really do convince me that he was a "hit" back then in VJ with all those daring actions & cheeky faces made ... I was browsing through slowly until one of the photo caught my attention. This photo consist of dad & mum also with another guy, taken under a huge tree in VJ.

" Wow .. this is epic ... !! " I snorted at my dad for allowing another guy to be their gooseberry.

" humph ... well have it ever cross through ya mind that I was the gooseberry, not him ... "

" huh ? ! ? "

" that guy's name is Roy. He used to be my best buddy in VJ back then. Roy is the exact opposite of me. I was the typical nerd back in school back then, quiet, not popular, whereas he was the sporty type, very popular among girls back then. Your ah ma, Roy, & me were very good friends back then. "

" uh-uh ~ " I responded in awe of what I just heard.

" well ,, the era may have changed .. but not the mindset of youngsters , hormones were raging in us too, we were curious about love just like youngsters are nowadays ... hmm .. slowly I developed feelings for your ah ma ... even though your ah ma didn't reciprocate my feelings towards her, I still hang on my affection towards her. & well .. your ah ma just like any other girl in school back then was mesmerized by Roy. As time grew by ... your ah ma & Roy got together ... I slowly drifted away from them .. until a misunderstanding that happened between them that caused their break off, & I once again stood by your ah ma, my affections finally paid off ... "

" wow .. ah pa your affections sure pay off ar .. hurhur ~ "

" hmm .. perhaps ba ... " Dad went silent upon hearing that.

The day ended off with a punch after hearing dad's love story ... I never knew there were so much twists & turns behind dad's love story with mum.

I started to date back the conversation with ah pa 4 years ago at the hospital. At that point of time, I couldn't really figure what was dad thinking when he say he didn't miss mum, especially when he mentioned mum was someone that he hated & yet loved at the same time. After hearing his story, I deduce that ah pa loved ah ma deep down in his heart afterall, that love phobia he incurred was a resultant of his love towards ah ma. Love & hate is just a thin line in difference, the people you love the most are usually the ones that causes you the most pain .. which if were to happen would ultimately lead you to hate them the most.

I turned my focus to the book lying on the table.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

I picked it up, examining the heart shape engraved onto the book. The first time i saw it was on my primary school table, & now on this book. The tale itself was a tragedy, but yet the story behind this book seems to have a different agenda in it, as there is a well-hidden story concealed within inside the book. I placed it in my bag, determined to reveal the hidden agenda behind this book.

----------------------

" dad .. what are you reading ? ? ? " I ran over to him, trying to sneak a peep at the book.

" sweetie ... I'm just reading a love tale that has a sad ending ... "

" eh .. but why a sad ending ? ? ? "

" .. sweetie .. love won't blossom all the time .. it has its ugly side too .. "

I paused for a moment,

" just like the love between you & mum ... "

Roy went speechless upon hearing that ...

" sweetie .. It can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but takes a lifetime to forget someone "

" huh ? " I showed dad with a confused look.

" hmm .. sweetie .. yu're still too young to understand all these .. come lets continue with the story of Romeo & Juliet ... , "

Roy closed the book he was reading earlier on,

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

" hooray ~ !! dad ... this heart shape with the R & J letter engraved on the book is niceeeee .. can teach me how to draw it , after your story ... heee so what Romeo did after seeing Juliet ... "

------------------------

" Juliet !!!!!!!!!! " someone shouted my name from behind.

I turned around, only to see him running towards my direction. I immediately hasten my pace, ignoring his presence. Somehow he managed to catch up with my footsteps.

" Hey .. ph ..ew .. you really can walk .. !!! " Reagan catching his breathe trying to capture my attention.

I simply disregard his movements towards me, & just walked as fast as possible.

" Hey ... why are you ignoring me once again ... ? what did I do ? ... Juliet .... "

I saw Joanne up front, & immediately ran towards her, leaving Reagan alone behind.

" Ph .. ew .. Joanne de .. ar ... " I was trying to catch my breathe as I greeted Joanne.

" whats the rush .. Juliet dear .. we aren't late yet ... "

" Behind me .... "

Joanne looked behind me, & saw Reagan.

" orh ... now I know the reason, I thought it was some stalker .. tee-heee ... "

" does it make any difference ... if he is going to do that for the next 2 years ... hmmm I think I should change school after we got back our results .. "

" serious ? we are doing just fine here ... Juliet dear .. if you don't have any feelings for him, why be so particular about his presence, "

I went speechless.

" but ... "

" No buts ... Juliet dear .. just take it as test for yourself, you can't run away from him forever, moreover you claimed that you both are binded by the truth, & since you're so adamant about it, then you should not worry about getting involved with him .. right ? " Joanne interrupting me before I could continue.

Joanne was right in some ways, but after the intro made by Reagan, my will seems to be wavering, slowly faltering in front of him. I was really fearful that I might commit a mistake, going into a path with no returns.

------------------

I was feeling dejected after countless attempts to grab Juliet's attention once again. She seems adamant in ignoring me despite the fact that we are sitting next to each other. I've decided to play my trump card.

" Cough * !! " I made a fake cough attempting to capture her attention during lesson.

Then I slowly took out the book from my bag. The book that once shared our common memories.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

Somehow my actions seem to have captured her attention for once, her pupils enlarged upon seeing the presence of the book.

" Why ? How come this book is with you ??? " Juliet whispered.

" It has all along been with me all this while, just like how you have always been inside my heart all this while ... " I replied.

-------------

I have been searching for this book all this while. It was Dad's last gift to me. I begun to have flash back, of how I took the book to school without dad's permission & showed it to Reagan back then. I wanted to spite dad for not allowing me to take a look at the book, thus I brought it to school, & disclaim ownership of the book, claiming I found it at the library. I only remembered Dad was searching high & low for the book, almost turning the house into a wreck, & in the end, when I was regretful of my actions after seeing how dejected Dad was feeling, I went back to the school library only to find that the book wasn't there anymore. Before Dad passed away, I still remembered vivdly his last words,

" sweetie .. take good care of the book ... the day you met your true love, the book shall revealed its hidden secrets to you .. " Dad smiled before passing away.

I controlled my tears attempting to flow out. I didn't expect the book to be with Reagan all this while. I just sat down, not knowing how to react anymore. Since the very first day, fate somehow kept interlink me & Reagan together, yet it still bind us both by a very cruel fact, as though its playing a big prank on the both of us.

At this moment, Reagan passed a note to me.

" lets meet at the school library after lessons ... "

I unknowingly accepted the note, my actions seem to have betray my own feelings once again. Deep in my heart, I was contemplating whether to turn up, as much as I wanted to avoid him, I wanted to claim back the ownership of the book. Afterall this was Dad's last gift to me.

" sigh .. I shall just turn up & claim back ownership of the book !! thats all ... I shan't get myself involved with him & that'll be the LAST I get in touch with him ... " I told myself in my mind.

RING !!!! Lessons finally ended.

" Juliet dear ? ! ? whats the plan ... shopping ? movie ? "

" Joanne dearie .. I got some reading up to do at the library .. I just need some moments alone, you carry out the plan yourself today okays ? sorry for being such a spoilsport but well made it up to you some other day .. okays ... " I said in a pleading tone to Joanne.

" hmmm .... alright ~ if you need help, do let me know ar ..don't emo in the library .. hur "

I gave Joanne a menacing look.

" Whats with the EMO ? "

" tee - heee just joking luhs .. alriteys .. shan't disturb ya reading time ... see you tomorrow okays ... byes !!! " Joanne took off in that enthusiasm she has always been potraying in her personality.

" sighs .. how I wished I've half of that enthusiasm ... " I told myself as I bring my heavy footsteps to the library.

-------------

I was eagerly anticipating the arrival of Juliet. Deep down, I knew it was a gamble when I decided to show this book to her once again. It'll trigger some unhappy memories she has with the book during our primary school days, but somehow my intuition just tells me, she has an deep affinity with the book, & she is bound to appear before me once again.

I found a secluded spot & sat down, praying in my heart, that my affections will pay off, just like how ah pa hang on his affections towards ah ma back then.

Before long, a menacing tone was heard.

" how come the book was with you all this while ? !? " Juliet spoke in a hostile manner.

I was taken aback by Juliet hostility, & stammered upon my reply ..

" well .. remembered that time ... you took off angrily after failing to open the book, I chased after you, bringing the book along with me, & it has been with me ever since ... "

" Don't you know that the book belongs to me ... why you took it without my permission ... "

" But ... it was found in the school library ... you didn't say it was yours ... how would I know ? "

Juliet pauses for a moment,

" well .. now you know .... so give it back to me NOW !! "

" hold on ... you meant that the book all along belongs to ya .. then why you claim it was found at the library back then ... "

" thats not for you to know !!! just give it back to me ~ ! "

" Hold on for a sec .. you've no proof to claim that its yours isn't it ... moreover you couldn't open the book too " I cheekily replied back to Juliet ...

" you ... !! how could you do this .... " Juliet spoke in a angry tone ..

" well .. unless you've proof to claim that it belongs to you ... " I reacted back.

" pass me the book & I prove it to you ... " Juliet said in a hastily manner.

" fine ... " I passed the book to Juliet.

Juliet attempted to pry open the book with force, but somehow it didn't succumb to her force once again.

" Just like back then ... isn't it ... " I gave a winning look to Juliet.

" phew ... why ? why can't you just leave me alone ..... " Juliet finally gave up & sat down.

I turned speechless.

Tears slowly flowed down her cheeks.

" Hey ... you okay ? I'm sorry .. I didn't meant to ... "

Juliet just shake her head profusely ..

" no .. its not your fault ... its just me .... I just couldn't understand myself .. anymore "

I looked straight into Juliet eyes,

" no one can ... under the eyes of love .. " I whispered to Juliet.

At this moment, Juliet accidentally flipped open the book she was holding on to.

We both stand in awe at this moment. It will be a time whereby we won't forget the hours, minutes & seconds to this very moment.

[ To be cont.. ]

When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.

William Shakespeare