爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 8 ]

“Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off.

It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time.”

-----------------------

Joanne words has caused me to wonder,

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

back then my relationship with Juliet was love ? why am i so eager to see her once again ? was it because she might be that little girl wearing the bright yellow rain coat back then or was it because of my desire to see her once again ?

Thoughts just ran wild through my mind.

A sound coming from my labtop broke the silence. Joanne nudge me on msn.

[ -.-''' so free ar ? not muggin .. still got free time to nudge me ? ] I typed out.

[ don't make me sound like those study nerd ! I got a life too okays ]

[ yea .. so wassup ? still not going to dreamland ? ]

[ nothing much, just chatting with friends, surfing the net, browsing through my msn contact list & so happen to see your name .. so just disturb you lor .. tee-hee ]

[ -.-''' so I'm so random ar ? tsk tsk ]

[ hee no luhs .. in fact i was thinking upon what you said today ]

[ huh ? what did i say today ? ]

[ o.0 seriously u forgotten ? STM (short term memory) seh !!! ]

[ yea my bad .. so what did i say today ? ]

[ humpf ... "so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... " remember ? ? ? ]

i paused for a moment. That sentence wasn't meant for Joanne. It was meant for Juliet. I must be somehow mumbling to myself at that moment, & Joanne took it for real.

[ well .. i was thinking about what you say & amazed upon the fact that both of us have some fate thingy going on ... ] Joanne typed

[ erm ... ]

I hesistated, wondering should i explain the whole situation to Joanne. Somehow she seem to have misunderstood, but yet I'm fearful of hurting her in the process.

[ ? ? ? ] Joanne came with the immediate response.

I seem to have lost myself , not knowing what to reply. I stared blankly at the screen.

[ yea ... fate works in a magical way, matching the both of us tgt ... don't you agree ? ]

I was shocked to see that appearing on the screen. Ben has came into the room unnoticed & type on my behalf sending it out to Joanne.

"Ben .. what the hell are you doing ? " I shouted at him.

"Woo .. take it easy man .. I'm helping my cute little brother here to chase a girl .. " ben replied

"gosh ~ you put me into deep shit now !! "

I somehow have sunk deeper into this misunderstanding now.

"come on relax man .. chill .. you are already in sec 4 .. & yet no GF at all .. I'm starting to think you might not like girls .. but well you just prove me wrong .. hahah "

[ how you expect me to reply ... put it so bluntly ar .. hurhur *shys* well gtg ..cya ard ] Joanne came back with the reply.

"Woo .. shy girl .. good work reagan .. inherit my genes afterall ... hahaha"

I simply just ignore what ben said, & Joanne reply. I just stick my head under the pillow, trying to imagine all these are just hallucinations, ain't true at all.

-------------

I woke up the next morning in a confused state of mind. I was wondering did yesterday incident happened at all. I turned to my labtop, seeing Joanne signed off message, then i came to realise that it ain't a dream afterall, everything did happened. I thought i could just deceive myself by going into a deep slumber but it was a futile attempt.

"Ugh .. i shan't think too much .. maybe its not as bad as it may looks " I mumble to myself before dragging myself out from bed for wash-up.

The morning breeze blow gently across my face as I strolled along the fateful route again, the bus-stop to take bus 284. It has been years since i took this route. After I have graduated from my primary school, & a new bus service that was introduced to the neighbourhood making it more convinient for me, I've somehow forsake this route. Somehow as i grew up, memories of my mum slowly fade away from me. I no longer reminisce much about her. Perhaps it has been due to the fact that my dad was more concerned about me for the past years, he no longer went back to his drinking days ever since my dengue incident.

Today, my intuition just triggers me in taking this route again. Perhaps its due to what Joanne shared with me, the 220 & 284 numbers. Somehow it just struck me that this route still exists, all the childhood memories between me & this route, & most importantly the story between me & Juliet.

Perhaps, my intuition was telling me that I might meet her again, after all these years.

I finally arrived at the bus stop. I came to realise nothing much has changed after all this years. The same old bus-stop structure, with its paint slowly peeled off, the rust can be clearly seen. Somehow its not as packed as it used to be after the new bus service was introduced.

Soon, bus 284 came, & i boarded. It was empty. I went to the seat that me & Juliet often sat back then. It was situated at the rear end of the bus, we named it the R & J corner back then. I sat down, reminiscing back the days with Juliet back then. I still remember vividly what she once said,

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

I slowly retract back my thoughts into why she said that, & then suddenly remembered about that book that wouldn't open.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

It has been with me all along this while. We took it out from the library without returning it. I have forgotten about its existence all this while. At that instant, I was like trying to remember which corner of the room I've put it in. Then the bus suddenly came to a break, interrupting my thoughts.

I stared out of the window, seeing it was a bus-stop. I guess the bus driver didn't expect someone to be there & just continue to move on untill he came in sight with someone, & suddenly came to a halt.

Someone boarded the bus.

I focus my sight upon the figure walking slowly towards my direction.

It was JOANNE. I went blank for a moment before coming back to reality.

" er .. how come you're here ? " I asked

" stalking you lor ... tee-hee .. " Joanne replied

All this seems so familiar, its just like a reenactment of what happen with Juliet back then, just in a different scenario.

" Huh ? come on .. stop joking .. you don't live around this area "

" hahahaha .. yaya .. i came to find my friend who lives around here luhs .. bleah .. "

" O ... " I went speechless after acknowledging her. Somehow it seems so akward carrying on a conversation with her after thinking back what happen last night.

I was struggling to tell her the truth, what really happen last night yet my mind just holds me back in fear of hurting her.

" yea ... she was also the one who told me about the 220 & 284 numbers .. one of my bestie at school " Joanne smiled.

"She must be dropping some hints mentioning about the pair of number again " I thought to myself

" Hey .. ain't it a coincidence ? we both taking bus 284 now ... " Joanne said.

" yea .. I used to take this bus alot .. during my primary school days ... haven't took it for recent years " I replied her not in a right state of mind.

" uh-uh ~ for recent years haven't been taking it, & today you just have the urge to take it, & we both just met ... haha " Joanne laughed.

" gosh .. I somehow have just given her the idea that we both got fate ... " I thought to myself.

This is getting so crazy. I just don't know how to react now. Just at that moment, the bus turned into the intechange & stopped. I heave a sigh of relief, knowing that this was my best chance to get out of this situation. I quickly grab my bag & quicken my footsteps.

" Hey .. Joanne .. got something urgent .. got to rush .. i see ya around .. take care "

I ran out of the bus, not even waiting for her reply.

---------------

The rest of the day, my mind just couldn't concencrate on whatever things I do. I was in a dazed state, wondering how could ever such things be happening to me.

I sat down at the living-room staring at the space blankly.

" Taking a break from study ? " Dad came out from his room asking.

" Huh ? ooo ~ yea .. " I replied back snapping out from my thoughts.

" So hows school getting on ? stress ? "

" Not too bad .. still manageable .. gathering my last burst of energy towards O lvls "

Dad nods.

" Don't stress yourself too much, I know you are up to the task, just face it with a calm heart .. & do your best "

" yea .. Pa no worries .. " I smiled back.

Before dad went back into his room, I suddenly voiced at him,

" Pa .. you got time for some chit-chat ? "

" Always for my son ... " Dad smiled at me.

" So what you wanna talk about ? having some problems ? " Dad started off.

I slowly explained the whole story between me & Joanne to him.

" Hmmm .. so my son has grown up, getting into a relationship problem ar .. haa "

" Come on .. gimme a break .. its not even a relationship in the first place .. its like so absurd. I've known Joanne for so long. All long it was maintained as a good friendship between both of us, studying together, sharing to each other & now because of some misunderstanding, all things got to change. I really hope to just maintain a platonic relationship with her .. you know "

At that moment of time, I recalled back my relationship with Juliet back then. I just don' want history to repeat itself again, hurting the other party, & ending up losing a good friend.

" Reagan .. a good friendship between a guy & girl is more complex than you can think of. Its not that kinda buddy relationship with your guy friend. Every little actions will be taken into count, because girls are more sensitive to feelings, actions done by you. Sometimes they may even be confused upon the fact whether are you interested in her & stuff, & this can lead to many unneccessary misunderstandings. But well since you're clear about it, then its only fair for her to know about it too, considering you both are good friends isn't it .. "

I nod in agreement.

" Find a time to have a good talk with her, but be tactful about it, its not in our family tradition for a guy to hurt a girl's feelings okays .. "

Dad patting on my shoulder.

Dad's words somehow calm my mind a bit, & it was only right for Joanne to know the truth too. Though I know it mights hurts abit, but it was neccessary to avoid further & deeper hurts in future.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind

william shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 7 ]

When you have nothing left but love, then

for the first time you become aware that love is enough.

---------------------

A month has passed since then. I never heard any news of Juliet again. Life went back to the monotonous pace.

Between tragedy and comedy the transition is often but slightly marked. Thus Romeo and Juliet differs but little from most of Shakespeare's comedies in its ingredients and treatment--it is simply the direction of the whole that gives it the stamp of tragedy. Romeo and Juliet is a picture of love and its pitiable fate in a world whose atmosphere is too sharp for this, the tenderest blossom of human life. Two beings created for each other feel mutual love at the first glance; every consideration disappears before the irresistable impulse to live for one another; under circumstances hostile in the highest degree to their union, they unite themselves by a secret marriage, relying simply on the protection of an invisible power. Untoward incidents following in rapid succession, their heroic constancy is within a few days put to the proof, till, forcibly separated from each other, by a voluntary death they are united in the grave to meet again in another world.

All this is to be found in the beautiful story which was told long before Shakespeare's day, and which, however simply told, will always excite a tender sympathy; but it was reserved for Shakespeare to join in one ideal picture purity of heart with warmth of imagination; sweetness and dignity of manners with passionate intensity of feeling. Under his handling, it has become a glorious song of praise on that inexpressible feeling which ennobles the soul and gives to it its highest sublimity, and which elevates even the senses into soul, while at the same time it is a melancholy elegy on its inherent and imparted frailty; it is at once the apotheosis and the obsequies of love. It appears here a heavenly spark that, as it descends to earth, is converted into the lightning flash, which almost in the same moment sets on fire and consumes the mortal being on whom it lights. All that is most intoxicating in the odor of a southern spring, all that is languishing in the song of the nightingale or voluptuous in the first opening of the rose, all alike breathe forth from this poem. But even more rapidly than the earliest blossoms of youth and beauty decay does it, from the first timidly bold declaration and modest return of love, hurry on to unlimited passion, to an irrevocable union; and then hasten, amid alternating storms of rapture and despair, to the fate of the two lovers, who yet appear enviable in their hard lot, for their love survives them, and by their death they have obtained an endless triumph over every separating power. The sweetest and the bitterest love and hatred, festive rejoicings and dark forebodings, tender embraces and sepulchral horrors, the fullness of life and self-annihilation, are here all brought close to each other; and yet these contrasts are so blended into a unity of impression, that the echo which the whole leaves in the mind resembles a single but endless sigh.

As i wrote the last sentence on this piece of essay, I paused thinking.

"How ironic given the fact that i used to think that Romeo & Juliet has a happy ending to it, yet only till now that i found out it has a sad ending to it."

All the classic english that i used to not understand seems to reveal itself in front of me now. I can imagine myself living in shakespeare's era & excel in their command of language, indulging myself in their era of romance, the simplicity & yet complex mindset towards love.

All this years, no doubt I've not experienced love before, but I've seen many that went through it, busking in the sweetness of love, & yet suffering in the bitterness of love. I often wondered is it really worth pouring all your emotions towards love, thinking back the relationship i've with Juliet back then, was it really considered love?

------------

"Oeii .. Mr shakespeare .. " someone suddenly snapped my thoughts.

"Joanne .. stop sneaking up on me "

Somehow it just reminds me of the days when Juliet often sneaked up on me.

"bleah ... tee-hee " Joanne sticking out her tongue.

Joanne is an unique friend of mine. She has been my study partner through this years. We often met up just to study. Though we are of different school, our calibre of academic wise are considered on par. That strengthen my decision to pair up with her to benefit each other in academic results. Through the years, she has not only fufill her requirement as a good study partner, but also as an good listener to me.

"thinking of which girl seh .. so deep in thoughts .. " Joanne teasing me.

"just thinking of someone ..."

"HER ? " Joanne asked

I nod my head.

"Hmmmm .. after all this years, still can't get her off your mind ? " Joanne asked

"I'm just unsure about my relationship with her back then, you know its just so ironic that i was so adamant about my platonic relationship wih her towards my brother back then, & now feeling so unsure of my feeling towards her"

"hmmm .. ever thought before .. perhaps you've read too much shakespeare, causing all this unneccessary thoughts." Joanne replied

"maybe ?"

"you know .. sometimes, its not the things that have changed, but its the humans that have changed isn't it .. tee-hee" Joanne smiled

It was exactly what miss Tan said. Perhaps what both of them said are true. My platonic relationship with Juliet hasn't change, but its just me that have changed.

"Come on .. snap out of love, concentrate on our studies... yea .. O levels is just a few months away from us."

"hey .. its not LOVE .. its just ....."

"yaya not love .. my bad .. lets switch subject okays .. hahaha" Joanne interrupting me before i could complete my sentence.

---------------

I'm meeting Joanne today at the library again. Recently we have been meeting quite often due to the fact that exams are coming. Its quite ironic in a way that Joanne & I only meet during exam periods. Both of us formed a common understanding with one another, whenver exams draw close, we just contact each other to meet up to study. Through this period of time, we not only study together. but also helped each other to de-stress by sharing each of our own secrets & lending that pair of listening ear to one another. Its weird in a way given the fact that we don't contact each other oftenly, & yet can pour our own heart matters to one another. I often think that perhaps its due to the fact that we are not close with one another, thats why we are able to pour to one another, not fearful of leaking out our own problems.

"Sorry .. I'm late .." Joanne ran towards my direction hastily.

"As usual .. kinda used to it .. " I sacrastically replied

"Oeii .. gentleman are suuposed to wait for ladies de ma .. claim you are shakespeare expert & you don't know that .. " Joanne rebuked

"yes .. my fair lady .. thou art wait upon you .. "

"tee-heee ... bleah " Joanne sticking out her tongue

"Hey i just discovered something special today ... " Joanne said

"uh-uh ~ what ? that I'm handsome or cute ? " I jokingly replied

"come on .. knock it off ... let me ask you a question first ... "

"hahaha okay .. " i responded

"whats the relationship between the number 220 & 284 ? "

I was taken aback by her question. It was so familiar, i seem to have heard of it somewhere before.

"ehh ..... "

"stuck le right ? mathematician expert ? " Joanne getting back at me as her results for maths was always lower than me.

"indeed .. i just couldn't find the relationship between this 2 absurd number .. " I thought

"tee-hee .. let me solve it for you ... " Joanne replied

"All the factors of 220 are 1,2,4,5,10,11,20,22,44,55,110 & of course 220. The factors of 284 are 1,2,4,71,142 & 284.

"If i add up the sum of the factors of 220 excluding 220 itself, 1+2+4+5+10+11+20+22+44+55+110 = 284

likewise i add up the sum of the factors of 284 excluding 284 itself, 1+2+4+71+142 = 220

The sum of factors of 220 is 284, the sum of the factors of 284 is 220. The pair is called Amicable numbers. Don't you find it fascinating ? Out of so many numbers, this pair just matches each other. My friend said that this pair of number just signifies," my heart only got you, & your heart only got me ... " so romantic right ? "

I was stunned. I finally remembered the question Juliet phase to me before.

"you know something, my birthday & our bus number 284 has a significant meaning to it .. teehee thats why somehow or rather i love to take bus 284 to school."

"February 20th & bus 284 ?

"February 20th = 220 .. so 220 & 284 matches with one another." I mumbled to myself.

"Huh ? ya both of them matches .. but wait whats with the february 20th ? " Joanne asked.

"o .. nothing luhs .. wow indeed so fascinating " I replied

So thats the relationship of 220 & 284, the mystery that i can't get to solve all this years.

"yea ... I simply loved this pair of number ... my birthday falls on 28th april, making it look like 284, so i'm so mesmerized by this pair of number now."

"you know something .. my birthday faills on 20th february .. making it look like 220 .. " I replied

"serious .. GOSH ... " Joanne shocked with my reply ...

"so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... "

"yea .. maybe " Joanne responded with some shyness.

----------

I flashed back towards why Juliet pose me this question back then. The relationship between 220 & 284. Both our birthday falls on the same day, 20th February. Our fate with the number 284 bonded both of us together. I was thinking what Joanne said, this pair of number signifies "my heart only got you, & your heart only got me"

Perhaps back then, both me & Juliet really experienced such thoughts before ..

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.

william shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 6 ]

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.

-----------------

"HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY .. Miss Tan"

All of us went foward to give her a hug.

"awww .. its been 4 years & you guys never fail to visit me each year .. gosh all grown up teenagers now le"

"taa-haa .. how can we forget our most popular form teacher during our primary school ar .. " I said

"hee .. as usual always a sweet talker .. Reagan .. no wonder the class selcted you as monitor back then ... so how's your preparation for o levels coming along ?"

"no sweat .. " I winked

"come on miss tan .. you expect a Raffles Insitutition student to sweat over o levels .. you must be kidding ... " the rest snorted

"well .. its good to be confident .. but don't get too complacent .. but well i'm not that worried for reagan, afterall he topped the nation in PSLE .. "

"taa-haa .. not exactly miss tan ... to be exact, someone has the same score as me so i can't be considered as number 1 .. hurhur " I said

"top student acting humble again ... " the rest jokingly said

"yaya .. if i don't be humble .. you all accuse me of being proud again .. tsk tsk blah" I replied

"Knock it off .. you guys .. still so rowdy as ever ... top student or not .. doesn't really matters, most important is that you all live fruitfully, doing your best in whatever you do " Miss Tan said

"Yes .. Miss Tan !" All of us replied in a organised manner ..

"you guys .. hee " Miss Tan embarrasingly said

----------

I walked around the school compund, searching for memories back then. It has been 4 years, each year i come, new changes have been made to the school, but bits & pieces of memories still exist around our school compund. The field that my classmates & I used to run around during reccess, the hop skotch drawn by us, the once familiar canteen that we rushed to during break, the assembly hall that we mustered every morning, the school emblem & of course not forgetting the classroom that companied me during my last days of primary education.

I walked slowly towards my classroom back then.

Everything seems so familiar but yet at the same time seems so misplaced, the black board we used to have has been changed to white board, a desktop computer placed at the teacher's desk, the colourful & creative designs of notices board, but some things remains the same. I went to my seat, it was still the same desk i used back then, all the drawings & wordings on the table accumalated over the years, with different batches of students using it, each with their own stories to tell behind every each of this drawing. I was examining each & every one of it, then i saw a carving, " R & J " .

" R & J .. could it be Romeo & Juliet ? " I mumbled to myself

"Juliet .. eh .. " this name suddenly strike me again after 4 years.

Juliet .. a name that has left such an vivid impression upon me, I guess I won't forget her for life, despite the short period of time she was with the class, that part of memory that we both shared really meant alot to me. I still remembered how she introduced herself to the class & came to sit beside me, & then how it all started with the whisperings during lessons, & chance upon the novel "Romeo & Juliet" in the library, & then how she came up with all those questions that i can never answer her.

"weird .. how come i never saw this R & J carving for the past 4 years ? it just appeared at this batch ? " i thought to myself

I examined it closely again. the letter "R" was carved on my table, & the letter "J" was carved on the table next to it. If you never examined close enough, you wouldn't have notice it. It was an exquisite piece of carving work which i doubted it as a work of an primary school student. I feel the carving with my bare hands, hoping to get some clue out of it, but i guess it was an futile attempt afterall, i guess i've read too much into it.

Just when i was about to leave, i clumsily knocked off the table next to mine.

"Ouch !! Damn .. " i shouted

Just when i lifted up the table, i saw a yellowish stained letter well concealed under the table. i managed to take it out effortlessly.

"wow .. it must has been years since somebody claimed this letter" i thought

I know it was wrong of me to intruige into others privacy, but well curiousity still got the better of me, i decided to unreveal the content of it.

"Romeo,

so you finally found it huh ? i was comtemplating whether to hand it to you personally before leaving, but i finally decided to leave it at the hands of fate.

Do not blame me for leaving without a word, there was a lot of unforseen circumstances to bear if i'll to continue to stay on.

This is the harshness of reality, which you must learn to accept.

Someday, maybe you'll get to learn the truth behind all this harshness, but i seriously hope that you do not get to learn it. The truth always hurts, & you alone must bear the harshness of it when you get to learn it. At times i'm really envious of your naivety towards things. Through the time we spent together, somehow i really feel i'm a changed person, i learn alot from you, but i guess the truth doesn't allow me to continue on to do so. This whole thing was an irony, maybe i shouldn't have switched school, & meet you. But i do not regret in doing so, because you gave me hope, something which i really needed at this point of time.

Knowing you was a blessing but having you by my side was a miracle indeed. A miracle that i needed to keep me going, but it was selfish of me to do so. Thus I've decided to leave you for good, hoping to conceal what you should not know & hopefully you continue to live your life to the fullest.

P.S I'll remember you for life

Juliet,"

I shed my tear upon completion. It has been quite some time since i last shed a tear. Ever since the incident with Juliet at the classroom 4 years back, I've not shed a tear.

"the TRUTH !!! what truth " ugh !!! " I shouted at the top of my voice.

-------------

I walked out slowly.

My mind was in a twirl, the truth i should not know, what was it ...

"Reagan ... still around ? " Miss Tan shouted from behind.

I turned behind replying

"Yea .. just went around school seeing the changes that have been made .. "

"sometimes, its not the things that have changed, but its the humans that have changed isn't it .. hee"

"taa-haa .. true " I replied

Miss Tan smiled back.

"well it signifies that perhaps its time for the younger generation to take over my helm, i guess this is my last batch of students."

"HUH ? serious ? "

Miss tan nod back

"It'll be such a pity .. " I responded

"its time to give myself a break after cultivating so many batches of students .. " Miss Tan said

"awww .. how i wish i can be like you .. give myself a break too ... taa-haa " I jokingly said.

"come on .. young man .. you still got a long way to go .. hee "

"taa haa .. yea a long long way to go ... "

"o .. ya guess who i saw just now .. " Miss Tan suddenly changing the subject

" who ? "

"someone from your batch .. in the same class as you ... "

"HUH ? whats so surprising about that ? we visit you every year ... "

"aiyo .. not talking about you guys, this particular person hasn't visit me for the past 4 years, & just appeared in front of me today ... "

"eh .. who so ungrateful .. ? " I jokingly said

In my mind, i was thinking of all the possible names. Every year, I'll presume my role of class monitor, gathering the alumni to go back visit miss Tan. Other than a few that went disappearing in action, almost all turned up each year.

"Joel , Marilyn, Keith or Janice .. " I asked

"NoNo .. " Miss Tan replied

"someone unexpected .. i still remember on the first day how you & her flirt in class ? "

"HUH ? flirt ? gosh .. I'm too young for that .. "

But at that moment, I should have guess out who Miss tan was refering to.

"hehe .. come on .. the Romeo & Juliet in class .. isn't it .. " Miss tan jokingly said.

It was Juliet.

"Sh .. e came tooooo visit you ? I stuttered

"uh-uh ~ i was surprised too .. initially i thought you managed to contact her after all this missing years .. but it doesn't seem the case after i chat with her "

"Miss Tan .. she just left not long ago ? "

"Yup .. should be bah .. "

I ran towards the gate immediately, waving goodbye to Miss tan.

"Miss Tan .. keep in contact again .. yea .. got some urgent things to settle .. see you .. take care "

-----------

Juliet came back. My heart was pumping excitedly. Now my mind was in a confused state.

"what if i really saw her .. what should i say to her ? "

I've got so many questions that i wanted to ask her personally. Yet i was thinking that i'll be dumfounded upon seeing her. I ran arond the neighbourhood around the school to search for her. My eagerness soon turn into disappointment. Juliet was nowhere to be found.

I let out a sigh.

----------

It was the longest night that I have to to go through, the countless events that has happened today, one after another, leading to a new one every time, I couldn’t seem to catch hold any of them but just allow them to rattle through my mind.

"why am i having such mixed feelings ? "

I began to question myself

"what if ben said back then was true ... my feeling towards Juliet was love ? "

[ to be cont .. ]

Love goes toward love.

William Shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 5 ]

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,

and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

--------------

It was a starry night. I gazed out of the window, staring at the ample sky.

"Ah Pa .. is there a possibility that ah ma has become one of the stars shining upon us, protecting us ?"

"Hmmm .. perhaps .."

"you still miss her ?"

"Hmmm .. I don't know !"

I turned around & looked at dad with confused eyes.

"Reagan .. sometimes in life, certain things are hard to explain, for instance my love towards your ah ma. I'm confsued with myself too. Your ah ma is someone whom i love & yet hate at the same time. But i guess her departure has create an love phobia inside me, a barrier which i can't convince myself to cross it. Thats why i've been escaping from reality all this while through the years. Sorry ...

"Ah Pa ... ... "

My mind went blank. I was more confused than ever. All this while, dad took up drinking not because he love mum, but to ecape from reality, to escape from his love phobia.

"Reagan .. I guess you still too young to understand the part & parcels of life, umm .. but ah pa promise you from now on, I'll stop drinking & to compensate you back this 4 years of long lost parental love .. eh wait not this 4 years only .. but for eternity "

"Serious ?"

"Umm .. " Dad nods

So in this long starry night, my dad finally regain back to the old self that i once know, but yet left me with more question marks towards love, which i can't possibly understand at this point of time.

----------------

1 week has passed since then. A whole long week of medical absence somehow compensate me the warmth & love that I've missed this 4 years.

"I'm all good & ready to go school !!!" I told myself

I missed school, my friends, my classmates & especially Juliet.

During my stay in hospital, almost everyone in class turned up to visit me except for a few, & that exceptional few consist of her. Even my classmates were confused as to why she didn't turn up, considering this short period of time, both of us were rather close to the extent that many have gossiped & joked about both of us being a couple. I was defintely disappointed yet curious to find out why she didn't turn up.

"Has something happened to her ?"

"She choose not to come ?"

My mind just went wild. Somehow I've that uneasiness within me. Everything seems to have come to an end stage, yet somehow it just signify the beginning of everything.

Upon reaching school, i glance around the school compund in hope of seeing her. I didn't get to see her at the bus-stop today. Lady luck wasn't with me afterall, I never get to see her, until morning assembly came. I took a glance at her, she was carrying a very different aura from her normal self. The way she stare at people is simply telling people to get away from her,

"This pair of eyesight seems so familiar, I've seen it before .. " I swore to myself but i just can't remember it.

Lesson time arrived, finally I've a chance to approach her.

"Hey Juliet .. so what has teacher covered for the past week during my absence ?"

Juliet was silent. She didn't even take a look at me. That pair of solemn eyes just stick close to the textbook. I was bewildered by her actions as why she is ignoring me.

"Have I done something wrong to upset you?" I asked

No response ..

Through the whole period, i was so cooped up within myself, then came break time, when i decided to unleash all my doubts on her. I found her alone at one of the empty classroom. I walked in without her noticing.

"Juliet ... " I called her from behind

"R o m .. r ea .. gan " Juliet stuttered.

"Can you pls stop ignoring me ? Why are you doing so ? Just when i thought lady luck was upon me for once, when my dad finally regain back to his own self, & now I'm losing a good friend without knowing why ? why must this be happening ? Ugh !!!" I shouted

Finally Juliet respond.

"Sometimes in life, when we gain something, we lose something. Losing something might be for a better cause .. "

"Stop it for once ... why are you talking like an aldut ? talking about life ? we are just children .. aren't we ? can't we just enjoy the luxury of being a children, wanting things in whatever manner we want. I just don't want to lose anything, anyone, anymore." I broke out in tears ..

"Because fate never allow me to live like a children, I've simply lose too much, everything, everyone. I just can't afford to have a good friend, then lose it again, I'm really tired of losing ...." Juliet broke out in tears while saying her piece too

"Then don't lose it .. why can't we just be good friends forever ? "

"I wish I've such naive thinking like you ... if only everything could be forever ... then i wouldn't have lose it in the first place"

Juliet ran out of the classroom.

"Ju .. li "

I couldn't complete what i wanted to say. I just sat down reflecting on what she said.

"so what if I'm naive .. aren't children supposed to be naive, why can't it be forever ? Even fairy tales have good endings, happily ever after .. if there are no good endings, why are there fairy tales in the first place ... " I thought to myself

I got all answers prepared to oppose her arguement in this short debate, but Juliet was no longer around.

-----------

I went home feeling lethargic & restless. I just have no mood for anything. Upon reaching home, I just lie down on my bed without noticing ben was in the room too.

"Not feeling well again ?" Ben asked across from his bed.

"you're around ? thats a rare sight .. " I replied ..

"tsk .. you're not answering my question .. & i guess you should be okay .. still got strength to rebuke back .. hur "

"I'm not okays .. not a bit at all .. "

"you don't look sick ? mmm ... lovelorn ? hahaha" Ben joked

"love again ? sighs why must it always be love ... "

"aww ... snap out of it ... stop talking like a holy saint ! next year when you're in secondary school .. you will be the one initiating lor .. taa-haa"

I shake my head.

"Kor .. you know something .. I can't even maintain a good friend relationship with a friend, let alone love"

"female friend ?"

I nod my head.

"Uh-uh ... somebody is in loveeeeee !!!"

"come on ... shook it off ! is just a platonic relationship between me & her"

"I never believe that a guy & ger can maintain a PLATONIC relationship .. taa-haa"

"tsk ... " i just kept quiet

" .. serious .. u swear you didn't have any love feeling for her, not even that bit ?"

"I don't even know how is it like to be in love , let alone have feelings for her ?" I replied

"well at least how restless & lethargic you are now betrays how you feel, isn't it so .. if is just a nomal friendship, will you be so upset over it ?"

"of course .. is a good friend we are talking here right now, who wouldn't feel so upset ? "

"tsk ... well no point debating with you right now, in future you'll just know .. "

I started to doubt ben as a "love expert" . He can't even differentiate a friendship & a love relationship. Nevertheless I'm just too tired to get that point to him, i just shut my eyes off, then i saw it ..

That pair of eyesight ... the same pair that Juliet was carrying today .. i remebered it ... i know where i saw it before ...

"The little girl in bright yellow rain coat. She carry the same eyesight when i first saw her with ah ma back then .. "

"Could it be ..... Juliet was that little girl back then ? " I thought to myself

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Everything seems so fast paced. All the things that are happening, it seems too real to be true. Could it be what ah ma say .. this is the destiny that is awaiting me ?

I decided to confront Juliet the next day at school to clear my doubts. I know its going to be akward after what happened today, but somehow that eagerness to know the truth just give me the courage to approach her once again. I musn't escape from reality.

Next day back at school, Juliet didn't turn up. My eagerness turn into disappointment.

"Alright class ... I've a news to announce .. settle down fast .. Juliet has left us for a better change in environment to study. She will no longer be with us .. Reagan take note please .. can strike her off the class namelist ... okays .. alright lets get back to lesson .. "

I was stunned.

"Juliet has left ? is she avoiding me after what happen ? why ?

As much as i want to know the answers, i guess i no longer have the chance to find out. She will forever remain a mystery to me.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.

william shakespeare