爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 4 ]

Ever had something special with someone, only to have it ripped away,

so u meet someone else who makes your world turn upside down and makes you so happy.

And the whole time there's still that connection between you and the other person,

only to find out years later, that person still has the same feelings for you,

and even though you love them in a strange way you'd never give up the one you're with

because they hold your whole heart?

It's complicated even when you think you've got it right.

------------------

I didn't have a good sleep.

I was tossing & turning over the questions in my mind. I dragged my body out of the bed, feeling feverish. It has been quite some time since i fell sick. I hate to fall sick, not because of the bitter medicine, nor the uncomfort level i'll have. Simply because it just reminds me of the others having the privilege to hide in their mum's warmth, despite of the medicine or the uncomfort level.

"sighs .. I'll just go school ... " I just don't want to be reminded of being sick.

I dragged my heavy foot, panting over such a short distance of route to the bus-stop.

"Phew .. never feel so sick before .. argh !! i just hate what i'm feeling right now !"

Soon dark clouds came, covering the atmosphere with its mist. Just when i anticipated the arrivial of a heavy downpour, a flash just appeared. The next moment, rain gushed down like a heavy tsunami swallowing me in it. My vision became blurred, & before i could know it, I finally collapsed.

----------

"MUMMY ~ !!!"

"Reagan ~ !!!" she gave a good hug & a kiss on the forehead.

"tee-hee ... "

"Josie ~ " someone called my mum's name from behind.

Reagan took a peak & saw a unfamiliar face. A man in his early fourties holding on to a little girl's hand. The weird thing was that the little girl was wearing a bright yellow raincoat in a sunny afternoon. Reagan just couldn't take his eyes off her at that moment, despite not being able to see her face clearly.

"Roy ~ " Josie was stun for a moment before calling out his name.

"so how have you been ? " Roy asked

"ermm .. yea life still goes on .. isn't it , o .. by the way I' married, this is my son Reagan." Josie replied.

"aww congrats, good to know that you doing fine, "

Just then a honk sound interrupt the whole conversation.

"Oh .. got to go, my wife waiting for me in the car. take good care okays. Roy said with a smile seemingly familiar & depart off.

Just at that moment, Josie suddenly broke out in tears.

"mummy, why are you crying ?" Reagan asked

"nothing .. just too happy to see an old friend of mine luhs"

"huh .. you mean when you're happy, you cry too ?"

"at times ... "

Reagan was just getting so complicated over human's emotions. It was a embark of journey to further complications that he himself couldn't have understand at his age. But what couldn't be erased from his mind was that little girl wearing the bright yellow rain coat.

---------------

"Breathing okays .. airway clear .." a paramedic shouted.

"evacuate him to the ambulance now !!!"

The moment i've regain that bit of conciousness, i saw hordes of people surrounding me whispering. Just at that moment, something bright in yellow just captures all my attention towards it. I was trying hard to focus upon it, but couldn't do so & before i know it, i was pushed into the amubulance, accompanied by sirens to the hospital.

Beep .. Beep .. the medical device operating with its monotonous sound.

BANG !! the ward room door opened.

"Doctor How's my son ? ! ?" Dave barged in asking

"Okays Calm down .. Mr Tan !! your son is contracted with dengue, but has been given an injection, & is adapting to the medicine effect at the moment. The next 24 hours will be crucial, we still need further observations okays .. but do not worry, everything is under control !"

Dave is loss for words, he just lean against the wall & broke out in tears.

"Josie ... you've already left me, pls don't be so selfish & take reagan with you .."

"pls pls ... I know I havent been a good father all this while, I've done nothing for him since you left, but pls just this one time .. I beg you ... I know I've done you wrong but pls don't take away reagan from me"

"tsk humpf so you know you've done wrong" Ben came in & snorted at him

"Ben ... "

"If it weren't for you, mum wouldn't have died !!! U THIS MURDERER !!! Regan wouldn't be here struggling to fight for his life, lacking his mum support. so WHATS THE POINT EVEN IF YOU'RE GUILTY ? WILL MUM REVIVE ? WILL I BE REBELLIOUS ? WILL REAGAN GROW UP LACKING OF MUM'S LOVE ? NOOOOOOOO A DAMN NOOOOO

Ben shouted at his own father ..

I JUST HATE YOU FOR LIFE !!!!!!! Ben dashed out of the room upon saying his piece.

Dave was speechless.

----------

"REAGAN ... REAGAN ? ! ?

A familiar voice calling me. I searched frantically for the source of the voice.

"MUMMY is that you ? ! ? " MUM ... !! MUM ~ !!!" I shouted at the top of my voice

Just at this moment, she appeared, as always giving me a hug & a kiss on my forehead.

"Mum I missed you ~ !!! " I cried

"Silly boy .. mum misses you too!"

"Mum i just wanna stay here forever with you, I'm just tired of everything ..."

"No .. Reagan, you can't stay here with mummy, your destiny still awaits you."

"Huh what destiny ? !? "

"you'll know it in future ... take good care okays ... "

& she just disappear into thin air ...

"MUM ~ MUM ~ MUM !!! "

-----------

'MUM ~ MUM ~ MUM !!! " i shouted waking up ...

"HUH a dream ? ! ?" i mumbled

I reorganize my thoughts, thinking back what happen ...

"so I'm being admitted into the hospital ? "

Then i turn my eyesight across the room, seeing dad sleeping on the sofa. It has been quite some time i've seen him so sober in his sleep. At this moment, the doctor came in.

"Ar so i guess you've react to the medicine effect quite well, your temperature has gone down, just a few more dosage & you'll be happily kicking once again .. " the docotor joked

the doctor pointed towards my father

"boy .. you've got a loving father .. yesterday i could see how panic stricken he was upon hearing your news, he never leave u a moment alone since last night till now"

"yea .. i guess so ..." I replied

"ta-haa ~ alrites so faster recover .. so you can look after your dad too ar .. " the doctor said before leaving the room.

----------

Over the next few days, dad was silent. He just took care of me ensuring i took my medicine & have my meals. I was kinda touched & happy in a sense. My classmates may have their mother to turn to when they are sick, but at that moment of time i feel that i 've got a father to turn to as well. Despite he never say anything, i could feel his warmth love towards me, for the first time since mum left me ..

I slowly shed a tear upon thinking ... now i finally understand what my mum meant

"huh .. you mean when you're happy, you cry too ?"

"at times ... "

that when you're happy, you cry at times too ...

[ to be cont .. ]

Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts.

william shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 3 ]

All at once, you look across a crowded room for no one in particular, just looking.

Suddenly, you see him,

but, oh, how many times you've seen him before.

So why did your heart just skip a beat?

Your eyes meet by mere coincidence, or is it?

At that moment you both instantly know that the

relationship between the two of you,

will never be the same again.

Is this what we call fate ???

------------------------

she suddenly replied back

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

I went speechless. I was bewildered by her reply.

"why would she relate a book to somebody, & taking a lifetime to forget that someone" i thought

More question marks came into my mind when i started thinking what she said. Before long, we both alight from the bus.

"Hmmm .. Juli ~ " before i could complete my sentence, she just walk off silently.

That was the very first time i've seen her looking so distraught. It has affected me deeply. The last time I've experienced such feeling was actually seeing my mum in a distraught manner too. It was also the day whereby she left me for heaven. Slowly tears rolled down my cheeks.

"Perhaps this lifetime I won't forget my mum, just like how Juliet won't forget that someone she was refering to." i thought

-----------------

After washup, i slowly unpacked my bag. My eyesight came into contact with the book again.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

"hmmm .. so how this book can actually relate to someone ?" i was still figuring out. My thoughts started to wander off

"Her boyfriend ? cannot be .. she is too young for love ? but isn't she abit mature for a 12 year old ? I started to digress.

"Argh ... what am i thinking !!!" I'm so confused at the moment.

" REAGAN ! " my dad shouted interrupting my thoughts

"YES ? AH PA ?"

"FETCH ME MY BEER !!!"

Ever since my mum left, my dad took up drinking. I've never seen him in a sober moment ever since. It has been four long years. Back then i was too young to know what happened, i was just over grief upon the fact that my mum has left me. I only know from then on, ben became rebellious, simply ignoring my dad commands. He never told me why, but i can sense he hated dad alot. I don't really bear a grudge to my dad for not taking care of me this four years, perhaps he really loved my mum alot, till he still can't get over her. At least in this aspect, i thought i was being more mature than my brother ben. I still look foward to the day where we can be reconciled & go back to the good old days.

"ORH ~ !! AH PA ! coming ~"

---------------------------------

YAWNZZZ !!! " A New day , A New Beginning ~ !"

I stretched myself, & strolled to the bus-stop.

"Will I met Juliet today?" I wondered

Soon, the sky darkens, clouds gathered. i sense the rain coming soon, & therefore quicken my footsteps to the bus-stop.

"Tap-Tap ~ " the raindrops start to fall ...

"Urgh ~ should have brought a umbrella along" I mumbled.

Just when i was trying to find a sheltered route, Juliet came ranning to me with her umbrella. She sheltered me to the bus-stop.

"Phew, luckily not drenched !" i said

"tee-hee yea .. all thanks to me" Juliet with her trademark angelic smile again

"A hero saving damsel in distress .. " I joked

"OII ~ I'm suppose to be your heroine .. tahahah ~ " she laughed

I guess she has gotten over yesterday incident. I don't intend to bring up too, in case I'm going to feel so helpless again. Soon our bus 284 arrived.

During the journey, she suddenly asked

"Romeo, so when's ya birthday ?"

"Eh .. secret .. you wanna buy me birthday prezzie huh ?" i laughed

" 20th February" she just directly said out.

For a moment, i was taken aback. I couldn't believe what i just heard, or rather the fact that both our birthday lies on the same day 20th february.

"Hmmm ... just passed not long ago" I replied trying not to be too shaken over it.

She nods back.

"you know something, my birthday & our bus number 284 has a significant meaning to it .. teehee thats why somehow or rather i love to take bus 284 to school."

"Ugh .. what significant meaning ?" I replied

Somehow it triggered my thoughts towards my mum again. I always thought bus 284 was just a story between my mum & me. Today i finally realised some one just has another story to bus 284.

"tee-hee solve it .. & I buy you a birthday prezzie !!!" she winked

"Urgh ~ mystery solving !! I just sucks at it ... maybe i should question my dad about not giving me a detective conan's or kindaichi's brain .. "

"Bleah .. haha" she just laughed

"February 20th & bus 284 ? what meaning it can gets ? Gosh ... i simply got no link to it." I thought

Juliet never fails to give me surprises each day, first the book that won't open & now comes another mystery with our birthday & bus 284.

-----------------------

School ended for the day, i just wander around aimlessly, & came in sight with the library. I went in, thinking about morning incident.

"Perhaps i could find some book that tells me whats the relationship between february 20th & 284 ? " I mumbled

"You can never find such things on books" someone whispered behind my back

"J U L I E T" i shouted

The librarian gave me a glare, i apologised, & whisper back,

"Why are you forever sneaking behind me, hearing what i say .. hurhur "

"tee-hee bleahz" she responded

"Sighs .. fine ~ you win " i just walked towards the secluded corner, the corner where we found the book.

"So free ar ? why not going home after classes ? " Juliet asked

"Nahz .. i just wanted to be alone for a moment until you came " I replied

"Uh-uh ~ so i guess its my fault for disturbing you then ... "

"Nahz .. not really but how you know I'm here ? & why are you not going home after class ? hurhur "

"Ermmm hey you're the one that stepped into my sacred area lor !!! remember this is where i found the book, i've always been here,"

"I didn't know our library has become such a holy place" i joked

"hahahah ever since i came lor, ..tee-hee"

"so what you usually do at your sacred area?" i asked

"hmmm thinking about lotsa things ... tee-hee"

"WOW ~ a 12 year old kid got that much things to think about ? other than your PSLE this year ? I sacrastically shoot at her

"Define Love" Juliet just voiced out suddenly

"Ugh ? ! ? LOVE ? " i stuttered .

she nods ...

"Of all things .. why love & ain't we abit too young for love, at least thats what the alduts always been telling me, I was once curious about it too ya know .. "

"Because ... I've a phobia for love. Juliet responded

"Phobia for love .... ? "

Her answer left me dumb founded again ...

------------

The wind was howling strongly, causing the window to hit the ledge, awaking me from my slumber. I got up from my bad & walked towards the window.

Sparks of lightning appeared, as though flashing some thoughts into my mind.

"Oh my .. gonna rain soon ~ !" as i close tight the windows.

Just at this moment, Ben came in

"wow surprising to find my cute little brother not asleep yet ar .. " Ben sacarstically remarked.

"& its surprising to see you coming back as early as 1am" I shoot back

"woo look who's talking here man, my brother has grown up, taking over the role of my useless dad .. taahaa" Ben snorted

"yea .. whatever" I sigh

"Erm Kor ... you ever experienced a phobia towards love ?"

I still do not know why i asked him, maybe being he always claim that he is the subject matter expert on love, maybe being he has went through countless relationship despite at the age of 16.

Ben paused for a moment.

"You're asking a Casonova such questions !!! You must be Kidding ~ !!"

Somehow I sensed Ben wasn't truthful with his answers, but yet he was right to an extent. I've never seen him cry or feel sad about his breakup in his countless relationships. How would someone with such feelings ever experience a phobia towards love ?

I lay down motionlessly on the bed. Question after question just rang in my mind.

the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet ?

who was the someone that Juliet can't forget ?

Relationship between Feb 20th & 284 ?

& now

Love Phobia ?

[ to be cont .. ]

Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.

william shakespeare

爱の恐惧

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 2 ]

Are you all alone?

Do you feel that you stand in solitude in this crowded world?

Do you enjoy the company of yourself or do you hate being alone?

Loneliness is not a desirable option, but often it helps to unclog one's mind. Spend a few minutes alone, away from the maddening crowds and delve deep into your soul. As you drift into the chasms of your thoughts, you will find harmony with the world. …

--------------------

ROMEO

If I profane with my unworthiest hand

This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:

My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,

Which mannerly devotion shows in this;

For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,

And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

ROMEO

Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET

Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO

O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;

They pray — grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET

Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

ROMEO

Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.

[Kisses Juliet.]

Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

JULIET

Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO

Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!

Give me my sin again.

[Kisses her passionately.]

-------------

RING ~ !!! RING ~ !!! RING ~ !!! the alarm sounded ~

My eyes opened up instantly & i saw a pair of eyes staring at me.

"ARGH ~ !!! Porsche get off me !!!" i shouted

"GOSH ~ u just interrupt my kiss with JULI ~ eh wait a min, i was kissing you just now .. ARGH !!"

Porsche barked back at me ...

"oh man what was i thinking ... having such a dream ? !?"

I was staying up till late night over this novel which I don't understand a bit, & to a have such a dream scene reenact from what i read last night.

"this classic english is getting me so crazy" i thought before giving one last yawn & proceed to wash up.

---------------------

Wind blew upon my face, as i slowly stroll to the bus stop. The routine journey to school taking bus no.284 has been the same for the past 5 years, with the only exception I'm alone now.

Dating back to how it all started, i still remembered my very first day of school during primary one, my mum holding my hand tightly bringing me to this same bustop waiting for the same bus, pacifying me to go school, despite all the cries & begging about not wanting to go school. She never fails to subdue my inner confessions & always manage to convince me just the way she wanted. It may sound like manipulation but i can boldy tell you, its not.. its just a motherly love to her son.

She stopped walking with me during primary two, or rather she couldn't walk with me no more given the fact she's no longer around with me, she has gone to a realm with eternal rest. Ever since walking this path to the bus stop everyday just unclog my mind, enabling me to devle deep into my soul, reminding me somehow or rather even without her presence, i know she is always looking after me, her beloved son from her realm.

-------------------

"Hey Romeo !!! ~ " somebody just tap me from behind interrupting my thoughts

Well i guess in this world, only somebody would call me by that name,

"Juliet, for goodness sake, stop calling me Romeo, I'm Reagan spelled R E A G A N .. hurhur"

"teehee ~ i just loved to call you by that name .. blahz !"

"tsk, humpfh next time i'm just not gonna respond to Romeo"

"hehe .. " Juliet giving her trademark smile again

"you take bus 284 too ? !? " I asked

"ya .. hey aren't you asking the obvious, we are going to school .... "

"no .. its isn't that ... i was tring to ask u lived around this area ? , since bus 284 is the only alternative to get to school from this neighbourhood"

"no i stalked you to school .. teehee" said Juliet

"come on ~ be serious for once" i begged

"haas ~ yea i lived around this area since i was born, been taking bus 284 all this while, just that someone never saw me .. teehee"

"HUH ? so u mean u saw me all this while ? "

"I never say is YOU ! i say someone .. hahahaha" joked Juliet

Soon the bus came, & we boarded. It was a journey filled with her laughter. I guess it has been quite some time since i've laughed so heartily. being with her really brightens up my day.

---------------

RINGGGGGG ~ !!!! RECESS PERIOD !!! everyone darted out of the class.

I slowly packed my books & dragged myself out of class.

"Phew finally a break, feeling so lethargic & restless, shouldn't have stay up late to read that impregnable Romeo & Juliet" i thought

"& the best part is i couldn't understand any bit of it .. other than the kissing part .. " i mumbled to myself

"wooo ~ KISSING ~ u kiss who ?" a voice came from behind

I turned around, to find Juliet crept behind me ..

"Ar ... what kissing ? !? " i acted blur

"tsk tsk u mention kissing lor" said Juliet

"you must 've heard wrongly luhs, i was saying HISSING .. you know, snakes hiss .. heh doing a project on snakes" i retorted

Juliet gave me that half belief look,

"anyway lets go to the library" she grasp hold of my hand & dragged me.

----------------------

The smell of books engulf the whole room. She started searching frantically for something on a shelf in a secluded corner.

"Ta-duh ~ " she showed me the muchly anticapated novel link between us "Romeo & Juliet"

"you found this in our library ?" i said

"i myself was surprised to find it in our library too" she nods back replying me

I took the book from Juliet, & brush off the dust from it.

"this book sure looked very old & dusty" i thought.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

"wow" i exclaimed

"it sure looks as though we are on some treasure hunt quest & have found the treasure" i giggled

"tsk what treasure hunt quest, guys are always guys, always madly dreaming of treasure" Juliet said

We both sat down, still in awe of this book.

"i found it accidentally yesterday, & thought that u might want to take a look at it too, i was waiting for you to open the book together, teehee"

"uh-uh ~ " i was speechless

"come lets open it" said Juliet

I try to flip open the hard cover, but it won't acede to the force applied.

"Eh weird, i can't flip open" i said

"Come let me try"

Juliet tried but to no avail, the book also not responding to her force applied.

We both examine the book, trying to search for some opening to it, or some button or what to trigger the book in opening, but sadly we fail to do so, Juliet was disappointed.

"Argh .. come on a book that couldn't open, what a day" complained Juliet

"Hmmm no fate with the book ... i guess" i replied

"& i thought we could really read it together, what a spolier" Juliet said as she leave the library.

"Hey wait ~ " i chase Juliet taking the book with me.

-------------------

Juliet was down for the rest of the day, she was silent, not the usual her. We took the same bus home. I try to entice her into some conversations but fail to do so, she just kept quiet.

"Hmmmm Juliet about that book ... just forget about it okays"

she suddenly replied back

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

[ to be cont .. ]

"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."

william shakespeare